


What Will it Take to Show You That it's not the Life it Seems?

by Gosarah15



Category: Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anorexia, Child Abuse, Eating Disorders, M/M, More characters to come, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, cutesy relationships, lots of feels
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-18
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-27 12:20:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 21,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6284317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gosarah15/pseuds/Gosarah15
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You've been holding onto him for a while, now. Why is that?"<br/>"...I don't know..."<br/>"Yes you do."</p><p> </p><p>So much is going on, and nobody knows how much longer people can hang on for.</p><p>Note: Sorry for the new title. I think it fits better tho</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Wanna Scream "I Love You" From the Top of My Lungs (But I'm Trying to Hide it From You)

**Author's Note:**

> This is just something I felt I needed to get on paper

Patrick sighed heavily. He sat on the roof and analyzed the sunset carefully. The small breeze tugged at his hat as he stared into the distance. Like every time he had something on his mind, he would sit and contemplate what to do. Some of the time, Pete would join him up on the roof and try to help out, but this time was different.

 

Pete wasn't around, and Patrick intentionally waited until the slightly older man was out of town. He intentionally wanted to solve it on his own. This time Patrick was thinking about Pete. He thought about how concerned he was about Pete’s safety, how he was his best friend, how much love he felt for him…

 

That was the reason he needed to be alone. He hadn't told anyone about this yet. Not Joe, not Andy, nobody. It was a topic he avoided altogether. Whenever somebody started questioning Patrick about his relationship status, he purposely changed the subject. Everybody, especially Brendon, seemed to notice, but never decided pester him about it. He obviously avoided it for a reason, but nobody knew the reason.

 

Patrick knew he would need to tell someone eventually, since this pent up emotion made him want to explode. The newest question he needed to consider was who he was going to tell. Someone who wouldn't tell anyone unless it became a serious problem. Tyler.

 

Tyler was the person he could tell anything to. Besides himself, Tyler was the most trustworthy person in the friend group. Both Patrick and Tyler knew a lot of things they weren't allowed to tell anyone. Many of which involved the relationship between Brendon and Ryan.

 

To summarize, Brendon is in love with Ryan, and Ryan is in love with Brendon, but neither of them are allowed to find out because Ryan's family is against homosexual relationships. And Brendon knew that if Ryan’s parents found out that their son had gay friends that he wouldn't be allowed to see him ever again. But their entire friend group was full of gay and bi people, and all they had to do to keep that from Ryan’s family was to not tell them. Pat and Ty just thought that Brendon and Ryan wanted to be extra cautious. It was already obvious that they liked each other to everyone, as they did everything together and never seemed to stop looking at each other. They just both insisted that they were best friends and that was it.

 

Still, it proved to Patrick that telling Tyler would be the safest choice. Patrick quickly got his phone out of his pocket and began to search for his number in his contacts, unaware that he had been sitting on the roof so long that the sun was already gone. He patiently listened to the slow ringing as he awaited Tyler to pick up.

 

“Hello?”  
“Hey, Tyler,” Patrick’s voice sounded strange, as he was trying his very best not to have a panic attack.  
“What's up, Patrick?” Tyler sounded a little groggy. Had he just woken up from a nap?  
“Oh, just sitting on the roof, you?”  
Some shuffling was heard on the other side of the line. “Oh, uh, nothing.”  
“Spill it, what were you doing?” Patrick could tell when Tyler was lying. After all, they both knew a lot of information, it began to be obvious to him when Tyler was hiding something from him.  
“Ok, I was hanging out with Josh,” Patrick could tell that Tyler was grinning.  
“And…?” Patrick knew how much Tyler liked his best friend.  
The line was silent for a moment until a the sound of a door closing broke the silence.  
“We snuggled!” Tyler was giggling like an idiot as he said those few words.  
“Hey, good for you.” Patrick tried his best to sound happy for his friend.  
“It's still kind of weird that he still doesn't consider us an item. I mean, I've been crushing on him for years, now. He should know, right?” Tyler couldn't stop rambling.  
“Dude,” Patrick chuckled a little. “Calm down. You guys are best friends. He probably knows.”  
“But what if he doesn't like me back?” Tyler had the slightest bit of worry in his voice.  
“If he doesn't, there's still a whole lot of proof that he cares about you a lot.”  
“I guess you're right.” Tyler sighed. He sounded slightly disappointed, but that quickly dissolved into curiosity. “So, why'd you interrupt this important moment for me?”  
Patrick’s breaths began to quicken. “Oh, yeah. I kinda wanted to tell you something. It's been gnawing at me for a while, and I think it's better if I tell you.”  
Patrick could hear the door on the other end open and the voice of Josh asking Tyler why he had left. He waited until he heard the door close again and Tyler return to the conversation. “What is it you want to tell me?”  
“Uh, it's kinda hard for me to say.” Patrick could feel his heart pounding in his chest, he couldn't breathe well.  
Tyler could tell something was happening the moment his breaths were audible. “You're having a panic attack. This must be really difficult for you. I'll be right over. Go to your room and focus on your breathing, I'll be right over.”  
“O-o-ok,” Patrick hung up and scurried to his room, closing the door behind him as he began to count how long each inhale lasted. He felt as if his entire chest was being crushed. As if it would help ease the pain, the small man lay on his side and curl his legs in.

 

•••••

 

Tyler pulled up in Patrick’s driveway and ran to the door, where he politely greeted Mrs. Stumph and the proceeded to make his way to his friend’s room.

 

“Patrick?” Tyler opened the door cautiously, clearly remembering the last time he walked in and accidentally tripped over Patrick, who had been curled up on the floor, crying.

 

Tyler saw Patrick sitting on his bed, tears streaming down his face as he rocked back and forth. Patrick had his eyes closed, but he did notice when Tyler sat down next to him. As he usually did when these panic attacks would occur, Tyler began to rub big circles into Patrick’s back to help calm him down.

 

“Don't worry, I'm here. Just breathe.” Tyler was the only person who knew how to help Patrick through these. Not even his own parents could help. Tyler was the only person who could help, as he was the only person who knew about this problem. Patrick sighed into Tyler's shirt and buried his face deeper into the cloth, grasping at the short sleeves.

 

•••••

 

About fifteen minutes later, Patrick could finally breathe again, but he still couldn't stop crying. Usually, the tears stopped along with the panic attack, but this time it didn't.

 

“Patrick, look at me,” Patrick did what he was told. He never had a problem doing what Tyler asked him to do, as Tyler never tried to pressure him into doing things he was uncomfortable doing. “Does this have something to do with what you wanted to tell me?” Patrick nodded before continuing to sob into Tyler's shirt.

 

The room was silent apart from Patrick’s whimpering as he tried to stop crying.

 

“You know you don't have to tell me, right?” Tyler repeated continuously as he tried to comfort his friend.

 

“N-n-no, I-I-I need to tell you,” Patrick managed to choke out these words, almost incomprehensible, but Tyler never had a problem understanding him.

 

“Ok, can you tell me?” Patrick quickly shook his head. The previous sentence took a lot of willpower to start with, and it was already overwhelming.

 

Tyler sighed, not out of frustration, but more out of concern for Patrick’s well being. “Do you want me to try and guess?” Patrick hesitated, but then quickly nodded.

 

Tyler started to think. “Does it involve some of our friends?”  
Patrick nodded. “Does it have to do with the reason that you avoid the subject of relationships?”  
Patrick nodded again. “Uh… Does it have to do with who you like?”  
Patrick nodded. Tyler's face lit up slightly, extatic that his friend trusted him enough to tell him something so personal. “Is it Gerard?”  
Patrick shook his head. “Uh, Joe?”  
He shook his head. “Brendon?”  
Patrick almost looked horrified as he shook his head. “Is it me?” Tyler was obviously making a joke.  
Patrick laughed a bit, and quickly shook his head. Tyler smiled, but then continued to think.  
“...Is it Pete?”  
Patrick’s tears stopped abruptly and he hesitated to respond. Tyler, having finally figured it out, looking delighted. “I thought so.”

 

•••••

 

“So, how long have you liked him?” Tyler was eager to hear everything so he could do his best to help Patrick through this difficult confession.

 

“Six years, since the first time we met on the first day of middle school,” Patrick wasn't crying anymore, and felt somewhat comfortable with Tyler on the subject.

 

“And you didn't tell anyone?”

 

Patrick paused. “Well, I was going to tell you earlier, but I just couldn't. And I didn't want to make everything about me, especially when everyone was dealing with their own problems.”

 

The sudden memories of the group crowded around a hospital bed each time with a different friend lying in it. The first time it was Gerard, who had fainted because he had been starving himself. The next, it was Ryan, who had accidentally cut too deep into his skin and almost died of blood loss, but was thankfully found by Brendon. Josh was in the hospital a month later for three broken ribs, courtesy of his own father, who had been abusing him since he was six.

 

Pete was one of the most recent ones. He had been found by Patrick, not breathing and surrounded by empty pill bottles. It was a traumatic event for Patrick. His best friend had been depressed for years, and Patrick didn't even notice. Patrick had blamed himself for what happened; he believed the entire thing could've been prevented if he had been more aware.

 

“Why do you like him, exactly?” Tyler seemed slightly confused, but also believed he already knew the answer.

 

“It feels so weird to say this stuff out loud…” Patrick trailed off, but quickly returned to the question at hand. “I honestly, but I don't think anybody knows why they love someone, they just do.”

 

“I guess you're right…” Tyler sighed, sinking slightly further into Patrick’s bed.


	2. Believe Me, I'm Fine (I'm Lying, I'm So Very Far From Fine)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The long clothing was restricting and hot, and Josh forever longed to wear short sleeves and shorts, but he knew that if anyone saw the markings that something bad was going to happen. Most likely his dad would find out and beat him even harder.
> 
>  
> 
> Josh longs to tell Tyler about what's going on at home, but he can't find the right time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of child abuse.. :(  
> I felt really sad while writing this chapter, but it seemed to help me. Idk why.
> 
> Also, cute Joshler fluff. :3

Josh couldn't help but linger at Tyler’s house after he had left their cuddle session (it was a comfort thing, like Tyler was his personal teddy bear, and Josh liked it a lot) to help Patrick with something. Tyler's home was just so quiet and peaceful compared to his own. He hated the noise of his own house. He hated having to hide in his own home. He hated having to pretend that everything was fine with his friends.

 

Josh’s arm bumped against a wall as he began to collect his stuff from around Tyler’s home, and he winced at the pain. Though the long shirts and skinny jeans he wore hid them pretty well, the bruises were still scattered along his body. His dad had been careful to avoid the visible places like Josh’s neck and face, but he went all out with the rest.

 

Josh couldn't tell anyone about what was going on, not even his mom. Even when he ended up in the hospital from a pretty serious beating, he had told everyone that he had fallen down the stairs (though Patrick and Gerard seemed unconvinced).

 

The long clothing was restricting and hot, and Josh forever longed to wear short sleeves and shorts, but he knew that if anyone saw the markings that something bad was going to happen. Most likely his dad would find out and beat him even harder.

 

Josh shook the idea from his mind and continued to grab his jacket and shoes to head out. He knew that he could've waited for Tyler to come back, but it seemed as if he was going to be a while and Josh knew he would get punished if he got home late. He wanted to tell Tyler about his dad, about how he was afraid to go home every day after school, how badly he wanted his dad out of his life… With one last look around the house, Josh opened the door and stepped into the night.

 

•••••

 

“Where were you?” His mother seemed pretty concerned about why Josh had gotten home so late.

 

Josh longed to tell her how he lost his appetite whenever he saw his father’s face sitting across from him at the dining room table, but instead replied, “Oh, I was just at Tyler’s. We were just hanging out and watching movies.”

 

From the corner of his eye, he saw his dad put down his book and head off into the master bedroom, closing the door behind him. Josh knew this gave him just a small chance to tell someone what was going on, but his dad could've still been in earshot and then the bruises would be an even darker shade of purple.

 

“Well, do you want some dinner? We have some left over, if you're hungry.” His mom talked quickly with a cheerful tone, unaware of what was hiding under her son’s clothes.

 

“No, I'm just tired. I think I'll go to bed.” Josh wasn't tired, but he wanted to be alone, and his bedroom door had a lock, which he installed without his dad’s knowledge.

 

“Mm-hmm. Okay, honey. Goodnight.” His mom gave him a quick hug, and it took most of Josh’s control not to scream out in pain.

 

And just like that, Josh was free for the night, but the thought of his dad lingered in the back of his mind until he finally fell asleep, hours after actually going to bed.

 

•••••

 

Josh’s mind couldn't help but drift to the idea of telling Tyler about his dad. After all, Tyler was basically the bank of secrets for the entire friend group. Josh knew that his best friend would be too afraid to tell anyone else, and he would never go to the police due to his fear of talking to strangers. Josh had always known that Tyler withheld information about everyone, though he never actually knew what kind of info it was.

 

Lunchtime was the only time in school that the entire group saw each other during the school day. This day in particular was a really sore day for Josh. That morning, after Josh’s mom left for work, his dad had ‘accidentally’ pushed Josh down the stairs, leaving more marks all over his body (but at least the lie he told his friends was half true, now). The other bruises had darkened from the day before, and the new ones merely added more to the blotches of dark colors that covered his body.

 

Tyler sat next to Josh at the table, inspecting his friend closely, wondering why he wasn't listening along to the story Brendon was telling about the time he and Ryan tried jumping off the roof with a giant umbrella. Everyone surrounding them were laughing or adding in random commentary, but Josh hadn't even looked up from his untouched tray of food, nor said a single word since math when he had to explain an answer to a question.

 

Josh, without even looking up, noticed that Tyler was beginning to wonder about what was going on. He needed a plan to get Tyler of his back, quickly, before the questions start. Without even thinking, as that seemed to become a challenge since he had a terrible headache, Josh quickly grabbed Tyler’s hand under the table, squeezing it lightly, as if to reassure that he was fine. Tyler’s hand tensed in Josh’s grip for a split second, before relaxing and squeezing back. A grin tugged at Josh’s lips, but he quickly suppressed it, still unaware that Tyler was blushing profusely.

 

Lunch continued on, the rest of the group unaware of what was happening between the two friends. Josh felt relieved that he managed to get away with hiding something so important from his best friend, but was even prouder that he actually managed to hide anything from his friend. He knew that he would have to wait a bit longer before telling his friend.

 

The bell rang and everyone scurried off to their classes, except Josh and Tyler, who walked slowly to their lockers together. Tyler’s face was still a deep shade of red, and Josh continued to avoid eye contact with his friend’s face.

 

Looking at the floor, Tyler finally broke the silence with a question. “Hey, do you wanna come over to my house after school? My parents will be out for the night cuz of work…” Tyler’s voice trailed off for a second, as if he regretted what he said. “Erm, I mean, you don't have to or anything, I was just wondering since you looked troubled at lunch today and stuff…”

 

Josh loved how his best friend would ramble on and on, trying to fix what he had said just seconds before. Josh found Tyler really cute… Like, really really cute. He couldn't help but smile when his friend looked up at him, eyes hopeful and worried at the same time. _Adorable_ …

 

“Sure, just, please, stop worrying so much. I'm fine.” Tyler nodded quickly and, with a little wave, he left.

 

Josh just stood there for a while. He knew that after school he'd have his chance to tell Tyler about his father. The smile quickly dissolved from his face as he realised that the second bell had rung and that he was late to Science. He quickly grabbed the last of his stuff and ran through the halls to his class.

 

•••••

 

Josh and Tyler sat on the couch together as a horror movie played. The couch was fairly long, but they always seemed to sit right next to each other. Josh knew that he was meant to be focusing on the movie, but he couldn't help but focus on Tyler. The small teenager was focused on the movie, his eyes wide and his hands shaking. Every once in awhile, Tyler would let out a small yelp, startled by different scenes in the film.

 

At a specific part of the movie (Josh didn't actually know what was happening, as he was too focused on his friend to notice what was going on on the screen), Tyler made a horrified look, and quickly buried his face into Josh’s chest. Josh winced in pain when he felt Tyler's forehead press against a particularly painful bruise. He tried his very best to ignore it and hide the pain from his friend, worried that he may startle him. With much effort, Josh wrapped one arm around his friend to pull his friend closer. Tyler's body was warm against his skin, and his breathing against his chest seemed to calm him down significantly.

 

The movie passed quickly, and neither of the two friends actually paid attention to the rest of it as they snuggled up together.

 

When Tyler pulled away from Josh, Josh quickly noticed that his friend had a worried look on his face. He knew immediately that Tyler desperately wanted to tell him something.

“What’s up, Tyler?”

Josh saw how his friend’s face got three shades redder. “Erm… Well, I kinda wanted to tell you something. But it's a secret.”

Tyler’s voice trembled as he spoke. Josh sat up straighter. He was curious, now. “Go on, I won't tell anybody.”

Tyler’s eyes met his and the small teenager continued. “Well, there's this guy. And he has this HUGE crush on his best friend, but he was afraid to tell him cuz he was afraid to get rejected.”

Tyler hesitated a moment, unsure if he wanted to go on. “Uh huh…” Josh urged Tyler to continue. At that point, Josh already knew who Tyler was talking about.

“And… And he really wants to tell his friend that he likes him, but it never seems to be the right moment, and when the right time came, the guy chickened out.”

“Tyler… Are you-?” Josh stopped himself from interrupting.

Tyler ran his fingers through his hair and stared at the cushions. “I-I-I like you, Josh.”

 

Josh smiled slightly, and gently brought Tyler's chin up so that they were looking at each other in the eyes. Tyler's eyes were watering, as he anticipated rejection from his friend. Josh slowly leaned in closer and Tyler did the same, until their lips finally made contact with each other.

 

The kiss was soft and short, and it made Josh’s heart beat faster and faster. They kissed again, this time longer. Josh felt something wet against Tyler's face. He was crying. Josh quickly embraced his dear friend in a hug as tears continued to fall from Tyler's eyes. Tyler quickly latched onto Josh like a baby clinging onto its mother. It felt so right.

 

•••••

 

Josh sighed as he looked out the window, Tyler was sleeping on his chest. Night had already fallen and Josh had texted his parents telling them that he would be staying the night at Tyler's house. He wouldn't have to see his father that night or the following morning, but the chance to tell Tyler about his dad had passed long ago. He would have to wait a little longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you like it, comment what character I should write about next :3


	3. If You Look in the Mirror and Don't Like What You See, You Can Find Out Firsthand What It's Like to Be Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you absolutely sure you're okay? The last time you looked this sad was when…” Frank's words trailed off, unsure if he actually wanted to bring up the incident.
> 
>  
> 
> Gerard sighed, resting a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “I'm okay, trust me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gerard and Frank? Could it be? Ohhhh, this is gonna be exciting! :3

Gerard sighed as he made his way to the bathroom. He felt gross from the school day and desperately needed a shower. He pulled off his shirt as he stepped through the doorway to his bathroom, and was immediately greeted by a fat and ugly teenager (in his opinion) looking back at him through the mirror.

 

“Why can't you just go away and leave me be?” He screamed at the mirror, his reflection screaming the same words back at him. Gerard quickly directed his eyes to look anywhere besides the mirror, but he couldn't seem to look away.

 

Gerard had never liked his own appearance. No matter how much he worked out, he was never as skinny as the others. In the six months that he had starved himself, only eating one meal a day, he still never believe he was good enough. Now, he stared at his reflection. The fat was still there. It never left. He longed to have a skinny figure like Pete or Ryan, but he remembered swearing to his brother that he would never try something like starving himself again. _I promised Mikey._

 

He glared at the mirror before stepping into the shower.

 

•••••

 

“Gee, what's up? You look pretty down.”

 

Gerard looked up from the empty page in his sketchbook. Frank was sitting in front of him on the floor, looking up at his friend, his head cocked slightly to the right as he examined Gerard’s face. Frank reminded him so much of a little puppy. It made it really difficult to ever be angry at such a cute- wait, no, Gerard didn't like Frank like that. He didn't, erm, did he?

 

 _Crap, even my thoughts are fucked up._ “Oh, nothing. I'm fine.”

 

Frank stood up and motioned for Gerard to move over so he could sit next to him. Gee shifted himself to the left and Frank quickly settled into the couch.

 

“Are you absolutely sure you're okay? The last time you looked this sad was when…” Frank's words trailed off, unsure if he actually wanted to bring up the incident.

 

Gerard sighed, resting a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “I'm okay, trust me.”

 

Frank still looked unconvinced, and Gerard quickly squeezed his shoulder reassuringly, and plastered a smile on his face. Frank hesitated, unsure if his friend was telling the truth, but smiled and nodded reluctantly, and dropped the topic.

 

•••••

 

Gerard’s eyes scanned each and every student that sat around the cramped table at lunch. Pete and Patrick sat so close to each other that Patrick was almost in the Pete's lap. Tyler sat beside them along with Josh, both were blushing slightly and staring at their food like it was the most interesting thing in the world. Brendon and Ryan were just to the left of them, Brendon telling yet another story and Ryan staring intently at him, smiling every time Brendon laughed. Mikey sat to the right of Gerard, clinging to him like a monkey, startled by the amount of people surrounding him, and Gerard had wrapped his arm around the smaller Way brother and pulled him closer. The others, which Gerard didn't seem to know as well sat around the rest of the table. Everyone was stick thin and had almost no body fat whatsoever. _It wasn't fair._

 

Ray and Frank sat across from them, Frank squashed between Ray and Gerard and Ray was listening to the story intently. Gerard resented introducing Frank to Ray. They were such a cute couple.

 

But it wasn't what Gerard wanted. Because Frank belonged to him, or at least he wanted Frank to be his. But Frank would never leave Ray for him because he loved Ray too much. Gerard wanted to be like him, but he would never be as skinny as Ray was. Frank would never want to be with someone like Gerard.

 

Gerard didn't eat lunch that day. And nobody seemed to notice, not even Mikey.

 

•••••

 

Gerard skipped dinner, too. He had claimed that he wasn't feeling too well and that he just wanted to sleep.

 

He lay on his bed in the dark as he pondered what it would be like to be skinny. Maybe people would actually want to be with him. He would finally fit in. He could win over Frank.

 

Gerard dreamed about what it'd be like to have Frank to himself. He could imagine Frank snuggled up next to him, their faces inches apart. He could feel Frank’s breath on his face, though he wasn't actually there, it was merely a mirage. Gerard knew this, but he enjoyed it and continued to snuggle up to the Frank he thought up in his mind and fell asleep.

 

•••••

 

Frank was sitting next to Gerard at lunch again today. Ray was out sick, so Frank was talking with Gerard. They discussed everything.

 

Frank had been Gerard’s best friend since they were little. Gerard was six, and Frank was five. Them and Mikey would run around the woods and play games ranging from hide and seek to Survivors, a game in which they pretended to live in the woods and try to survive a zombie apocalypse. They told each other everything. Frank’s straight up adorableness made it really easy for Gerard to fall for him, but he knew that Frank would never want him back.

 

“Gee? Are you ok?” Frank was waving his hands in front of the older student’s face, a worried look on his face. Gerard had been staring off into space while they were supposed to be talking about some band that Frank was obsessing over.

 

“Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Sorry.” Gerard felt terrible that he actually tuned out his friend.

 

“Well, do you wanna go or not?”

 

“Go where?” Gerard hadn't heard the question the first time.

 

Frank rolled his eyes and sighed. Gerard really hadn't been listening. “To the concert. Pete and Patrick are going.”

 

Gerard smiled. It would be just them, no Ray. He nodded, but made sure he didn't look to desperate to go.

 

Frank smiled, “And maybe if Ray’s feeling better, he could come to!”

 

Gerard hesitated, the smile falling from his face. He knew it was too good to be true. “Oh, sure.”

 

Frank let out an excited squeal and turned to Pete and Patrick to tell them the good news.

 

Gerard skipped lunch that day, too. His appetite just suddenly disintegrated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, no Frerard today... Gee needs to focus on his other problem first.... Sorry.  
> It was a short chapter, but I had a bunch of work to catch up on...  
> Maybe in the next chapter I'll write about Beebo and RyRy :3


	4. But Who Could Love Me? I'm Out Of My Mind...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was known for his friendly and easily excitable nature, but he wasn't really like that. No, he was calm and collected… And alone. 
> 
>  
> 
> Poor Beebo is living a lie, and he hasn't told anybody, because he really doesn't want to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random fact about me: I'm really insecure and have a lot of anxiety, and I only feel okay when I'm listening to music. I don't tell my friends of parents because it's easy enough for me to hide it.

Brendon sat on his windowsill and stared out into the night. The moon was full, the stars glimmered in the sky, not a single cloud in sight. If only I could be as perfect as the sky is at night…

 

 

The teen, usually full of energy and always happy, was actually quiet as he watched the cars pass by. Brendon pulled his legs closer to his chest. What changed in this boy’s mind that made him act like this? Easy. It was all a ruse. He was known for his friendly and easily excitable nature, but he wasn't really like that. No, he was calm and collected… And alone.

 

 

Yes, he may have a big group of friends, but he was indeed alone. The house had been only Brendon’s for three years now, ever since his parents left and never came back. It was small with only four rooms, but it was enough for the sixteen-year-old. Every night Brendon would sit on the same windowsill and pray that someone would one day find him and take him home with them. Or maybe he could just end it all now. Nobody would care, nobody would notice...

 

 

 _No, my friends are my family now. They would care… Right?_ The teen sighed and shut his eyes for a few seconds, imagining a place where he was wanted.

 

 

For the first time in a while, Brendon fell asleep by the window.

 

 

•••••

 

 

The screams kept getting louder and louder. Brendon did his best to block out the noise by covering his ears, but it was coming from inside of him. He couldn't escape the amount of pain and suffering that revealed itself the longer it lasted.

 

 

It was excruciating.

 

 

The teenager was on the brink of tears as he begged for it to stop.

 

 

“ _Please, please, make it stop,_ ” he managed to choke out before he collapsed onto the floor in an echo of sobs.

 

 

The screaming didn't let up, though. In fact, it got even worse. The voices became comprehensible, terrifying Brendon as he curled into a ball and rocked back and forth.

 

 

“ _Why? Why me?_ ” Brendon could feel his sanity slowly deteriorating as he repeated the same questions over and over, pleading and hoping that it would all be over soon.

 

 

 

 

And then he woke up.

 

 

•••••

 

 

“Hey, Beebo.” Brendon felt someone prodding at his arm as he sat staring at the whiteboard that was mounted on the wall a few feet away from him. Class hadn't started yet, and it was still blank, untouched, unsoiled by markers that made Brendon’s nose sting.

 

 

“Beebo, Beeeeeeeeeboo…” His nickname was repeated over and over as the person continued to try to capture his attention.

 

 

Brendon sighed and turned his head to see who was talking to him, only to get caught off guard by Ryan, who’s face was mere centimeters away from his own. Brendon quickly let out a little yelp and leaned back slightly, causing himself to fall out of his chair with a loud crash. Dazed slightly, he grabbed for the side of his desk to pull himself up, but instead managed to grab his binder, the notebooks on top of it sliding off and hitting Brendon in the head. He let out a small groan of pain and gave up on his reputation for the day. Instead of attempting to get back up, he just lay back on the ground.

 

 

Amused by what had just happened to his best friend, Ryan burst into a fit of giggles. Brendon lifted his head to glare at his friend before letting it drop back to the floor.

 

 

“Dude, dude, dude,” Ryan was holding his sides as he tried to contain his amusement, “are you okay?”

 

 

Brendon just rolled his eyes. “Of course. Just peachy. I love it when the world decided to play a practical joke on me.”

 

 

“No, no.” Ryan shook his head, his smile fading slightly. “Like, are you okay? You seem quiet today. You're never quiet.”

 

 

Brendon couldn't help but smile at that comment. He was right, Brendon was always doing something that either got the two of them in trouble or entertained everyone in their surroundings, usually their friends.

 

 

“Yeah, I'm kinda off today. I keep thinking about this dream I had last night. I can't seem to wrap my head around what it meant, though.”

 

 

“That's strange. I thought that you'd be able to do something like that, since your forehead is so big,” Ryan retorted, the smile on his face returned. “But, like, what was it about?”

 

 

Brendon shrugged. “Oh, it was nothing. I'm fine, I promise.”

 

 

•••••

 

 

Brendon sat by the window again. He didn't understand why, but there was something so exciting about watching the world from behind the glass.

 

 

He watched the cars pass by, the parents talk as the kids played in the park, the animals walk cautiously through the park as they avoided being spotted by the kids, and, even when there weren't any people or animals or bikes or cars to watch, Brendon would watch the sky. Clouds would morph into different shapes and it seemed to intrigue the teen. _A dog, a rabbit, a flower, a person- Mom. And Dad._

 

 

Their faces were so vivid in the sky. Brendon couldn't help but wonder whether that's where they went. If they went to the sky. If they were no longer on this earth. If they- _no, it couldn't be._

 

 

•••••

 

 

The dream was as bad as the night before. Brendon heard the same screaming as before, this time he heard the voice of a woman even clearer than the night before.

 

 

“ _God, please, don't do it!_ ” The voice of the woman was pleading. To whom she was pleading was left a mystery.

 

 

Brendon knew he couldn't block out the frightening sounds this time. He was more curious than scared, now. He wanted to know who the woman was. He wanted to know who she was talking to. He wanted to know what was happening to her. She kept screaming. It continued for what felt like days. His curiosity began to grow.

 

 

 

 

 

Then, he heard it.

 

 

“ _Please, Brendon, don't!_ ”

 

 

 

 

 

Brendon woke up in a cold sweat. He was crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw, poor Beebo! I'm sorry, but I needed to write something about how his personality isn't really who he is after reading all the other fanfic a that described him as an energetic and friendly kid. I believe that some things are meant to be left unsaid.
> 
> This is something like that.
> 
> Leave a comment of who you'd like to read about next! :3


	5. I've Got Two Faces, Blurry's the One I'm Not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The silhouette disappeared, but the words still lingered. 'Kill myself'. It seemed like the perfect solution to Tyler. Nobody would miss him, nobody would even notice.
> 
>  
> 
> Poor Tyler's getting harassed by Blurryface.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. Lots of stuff has been going on recently and I didn't have much time to work of this, but I'm on break for the rest of the week and I have another chapter almost ready. :3

Tyler woke up abruptly, tears falling from his eyes. He turned on his side in hopes that Josh was still there, but he wasn't. Josh couldn't stay over that night, but he did promise to leave only once Tyler fell asleep.

 

 

The clock read 2:45 in the morning. It was late, but it was also early. Just in the middle. He sat up, the complete darkness unsettled him, as he never turned off all the lights. Because he always knew what was coming next.

 

 **Why, hello, Tyler.** There he was, Blurry. The thing that haunted his dreams and lurked in the darkness. Blurry could change into anything. Tonight, he was merely a silhouette of a man.

 

 

“Go away,” Tyler pleaded, pulling the covers over his head, hoping the figure would disappear like it usually did. But Blurry wouldn't let up.

 

 

 **I noticed you got a new boyfriend. It would be a shame if anything happened to him.** Tyler couldn't see anything, but he swore that Blurry was grinning.

 

 

“Don't you dare hurt him.”

 

 

**Oh, like I would be scared of you. Remember, I control your subconscious. I can do whatever I want and you can't do anything about it.**

 

Tyler could feel his face get hot. His eyes stung and tears threatened to fall. Blinking them away the best he could, he continued to try and block out the words that Blurry spat at him. But it was no use. The words echoed in his mind.

 

 

**You're nothing without me, and you know it. You can't get rid of me without getting rid of yourself. No matter how hard you try, you will NEVER be without me. Go ahead, kill yourself. At least you'd be rid of me.**

 

 

The silhouette disappeared, but the words still lingered. _Kill myself_. It seemed like the perfect solution to Tyler. Nobody would miss him, nobody would even notice.

 

 

Tyler didn't sleep the rest of the night.

 

 

•••••

 

 

“Tyler, hey, babe.” Josh’s voice sounded like he was miles away, but Tyler could still hear it. His head felt completely underwater.

 

 

Tyler had gone through the entire day without actually paying attention. It wasn't his fault, really. It was Blurry’s fault. Keeping him up all night with such awful thoughts.

 

 

Tyler snapped out of it when he felt his boyfriend’s hands on his shoulders.

 

 

“Oh my god,” Tyler saw the worry in Josh’s eyes and immediately backed away from his reach. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry…”

 

 

“What are you apologizing for, Tyler?” Josh’s head was filed slightly, eyes wide like a lost puppy.

 

 

“You-you're gonna get hurt.” Tyler’s words stumbled from his mouth, continuing to back away from Josh, his eyes burning.

 

 

“Huh? What do you mean?” Josh took a step forward to Tyler, but Tyler just backed away even further and started shaking his head.

 

 

“B-B-Blurry. He told me he's gonna… Do terrible things to you if I didn't stop him. A-A-And I can't stop him because I don't know how.” Tyler collapsed onto the floor, tucking his legs in and began to rock back and forth, similar to how Patrick got during his panic attacks.

 

 

“Blurry? You mean like Blurryface, your imaginary friend from back when we were eight? You told me he disappeared years ago.”

 

 

“N-no. He came back. But now he's much, much worse.”

 

 

“But how can he-” Josh stopped, a small gasp escaping his mouth. Tyler could feel his face getting hot and tears start to run down his cheeks. “Don't tell me… He wants you to kill yourself?”

 

 

•••••

 

 

“Are you sure you can stay the entire night?” Tyler was snuggled up to Josh. "Won't you get in trouble with your parents?"

 

 

Tyler noticed how Josh winced for a small moment, but he decided to ignore it.

 

 

“Don't worry about me. You're safe with me, now.” Josh pulled Tyler even closer to his chest.

 

 

“O-ok, but don't turn off all the lights.”

 

 

“I promise you that I'll be right here.”

 

 

Tyler nodded slightly, his eyelids already heavy. He lay his head on his boyfriend’s chest and listened to his heartbeat. The warmth from his body combined with the steady beat of his heart allowed the younger teen to fall asleep within minutes.

 

 

•••••

 

 

Tyler was running, running as fast as he could, but didn't seem to be moving away from what was now getting closer to him. The dark mist returned, moving slowly as a body began to take shape out of the darkness. Color seemed to fade from the surrounding area, turning Tyler’s room different shades of grey.

 

 

Tyler quickly checked his body, which was still in color, and then glanced back at Blurry. The mist was now in a human form. But not just any human.

 

 

Blurry was another Tyler.

 

 

The real Tyler looked at Blurry, who returned the look with a menacing grin, which wasn't very threatening, as Tyler was a very unthreatening person who couldn't hurt a fly. The only real difference were the eyes, which were an unsettling red, different to the dark brown of his own.

 

 

“This doesn't make sense. Why are you here?”

 

 

Blurry just smiled. **You're never safe in your own mind, remember?**

 

 

“S-so this is a dream? You're not really here?”

 

 

**On the contrary. Yes, you might be dreaming, but I am always with you. You're the one that created me. I'm around only because you still want me here. I'm part of your subconscious. I am you. **

 

 

“No, no, no, nononono.” Tyler began to shake his head. “That's not true. I don't want you here. I don't want to kill myself, you want me to.”

 

 

The laugh that came from Blurry echoed through Tyler’s body.

 

 

**Why do you not get it yet? I remind you of what you truly want subconsciously. If you didn't want to die, I wouldn't be telling you that you should.**

 

 

Tyler wanted to deny what Blurryface was telling him. He wanted to cover his ears and stop listening to him, but he couldn't move. Fear had already taken over his body.

 

 

 **Remember, I tell you what you want.** And, just like that, Blurry disappeared into thin air.

 

 

Tyler woke up abruptly from his dream, crying. Josh lay beside him, still asleep. He looked so peaceful and cuddly that Tyler decided not to wake him and continue to lay beside him. As he lay beside his boyfriend, he continued to sob.

 

 

Suddenly, he felt Josh shift next to him. Before being able to react, Tyler felt Josh’s arms wrap around him and pull him closer to his bare chest. Tyler help his breath for a moment to make sure that Josh was still asleep, and the steady breathing coming from beside him let him know that Josh was left undisturbed and peaceful.

 

 

Tyler didn't sleep for the rest of the night, but he did feel safe in his boyfriend's arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tyler has lots o' problems and now I feel bad.


	6. The Fear of Falling Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan hesitated, unsure of what to do next. “Uh, you like someone?”
> 
>  
> 
> Poor Ryan got roped into hanging out with Beebo at his house... Let's all pray for him now, guys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's kinda sad... Also,   
> CAUTION: MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM, SO PLZ SKIP THE FIRST THRID OF THE CHAPTER IF YOU ARE
> 
> Also,   
> CAUTION: RYDON FLUFF IS MY SHIT SO I MILKED IT FOR ALL ITS WORTH
> 
> THANK YOU, SO LONG, AND GOODNIGHT

Ryan stood in the brightly lit bathroom as he stared at the glistening array of metal in front of him. He knew it was wrong to still have them after what had happened.

 

 

Distant memories flickered in his mind as he could vaguely recall the puddle of red surrounding him and Brendon crying over Ryan’s limp body, calling every number he had in his phone along with the hospital. The tears were warm as they fell from his friend’s eyes onto his cold skin. His vision was fuzzy and breaths quick. He couldn't panic anymore, but instead just whispered “I'm sorry,” over and over to his friend hovering above him. The rest was a blur. Only words he could remember hearing as he slept in the hospital. “Please don't die, I love you.” Ryan could never figure out who it was, as the painkiller made it hard to make out the words in the first place.

 

 

But he knew who he wanted it to be.

 

 

Brendon.

 

 

Something had been going on with his friend the past few days, and Ryan couldn't help but worry about him. Never in the twelve years that he knew Brendon was he ever that quiet or jumpy. Sure, Brendon could be a real klutz and trip over his own feet, but he had never pulled away so quickly from a person before, not even the time that he was caught off guard by Pete… He, uh, actually head-butted the poor guy in the nose with his giant forehead. 

 

 

_No, this was something serious._ Something that he might never know about.

 

 

Ryan snapped back into reality when he realized that he was holding one of the many razor blades that were lined up on the sink. He quickly put it back to where it was previously.

 

 

_It’s wrong to still have these_ , Ryan kept telling himself.

 

 

They had been there for years now, even after he had stopped using them for the purpose of why he had put them there in the first place. He didn't need to cut anymore. He no longer felt lost or the need to control something. He had Brendon.

 

 

Brendon was the real reason he never cut again. His very presence in his life kept his head above water at all times. They were always together. His friend really enjoyed hovering over him like a protective bubble, and Ryan, although he hated almost everything and everybody except for Coldplay, didn't seem to mind. He curiously found it comforting and soothing. He recounted the many times he had collapsed into his friend’s arms as he sobbed about all his problems. Brendon wouldn't move, wouldn't talk. He would just hold Ryan close and stroke his hair and whisper words of encouragement.

 

 

_Everything's gonna be okay. Just keep holding on and you'll make it through this life._

 

 

Ryan let out a large sigh and walked out of the bathroom, leaving the blades for another day.

 

 

•••••

 

 

“Hey, Ry.” Ryan looked up from his phone as a response to whoever was calling him.

 

 

It was Brendon. _Figures_. He was sitting next to Ryan, their thighs touching, since the entire lunch table was completely crammed. In the back of his mind, he was secretly willing Brendon to sit his lap, like how Mikey and Gerard or Tyler and Josh did when there wasn't enough space for everyone. Though his social anxiety already prevented him from touching people whenever he had the chance, Ryan didn't seem entirely opposed to the idea of his best friend making full contact with his lap.

 

 

“I was wondering,” Brendon continued when he noticed that he had caught Ryan’s attention, “if I could come over to your house after school. Like, I know I haven't been over in a really long time, but Pete’s gonna be busy studying with Pat and Gee said he couldn't hang out at the fro-yo shop because he has to take care of Mikey, whatever that means. And…” He seemed to go on and on about how everybody else was busy, as if he was trying to talk around the fact that he just wanted to come over.

 

 

“All right,” Ryan interrupted Beebo as he went on about how Joe had rejected his invitation to go get pizza by flipping him off. “You can come over after school.”

 

 

•••••

 

 

“So, I'm pretty sure Mr. Hoppus is out to get me. Like, I'm a hundred and ten percent sure that he wants me to fail his class,” Brendon continued to ramble on as Ryan unlocked his front door.

 

 

“That's not a real percent and he's not out to get you,” Ryan quickly replied before Brendon could continue.

 

 

“But-”

 

 

“No. It's not that he hates you, it's just that you're bad at science. I mean, you've failed every test this year.”

 

 

Brendon fake-pouted in response to Ryan’s last comment. Ryan turned away from Brendon dismissively, hiding the fact that his heart was beating a lot faster. _Damn, he's cute_.

 

 

The two made their way up to Ryan's room, still arguing.

 

 

“But he's always calling me out on stuff. Like, I'm not the only one doing stuff. It's like he's obsessed with me.”

 

 

“Maybe he has a crush on you. I wouldn't blame him,” Ryan muttered, not completely thinking that one out and immediately regretting it.

 

 

But Brendon didn't seem to notice how awkward that last sentence was, as he made his way to Ryan’s bed and flopped onto it. “Maybe he does. But I wouldn't know, as I don't know how to tell if somebody likes me.” Brendon let out a little sigh, also not noticing how Ryan was smiling a little.

 

 

“Well, I happen to know one person who likes you,” Ryan shrugged. He instantly regretted it again.

 

 

Brendon sat up abruptly, startling Ryan, who was now sitting next to him. “Who? Tell meeeeee."

 

 

“No!” Ryan could feel his face heating up.

 

 

“Whyyyy?” Brendon crossed his arms and pouted, resembling a five-year-old who wasn't getting his way (so basically he was acting like himself).

 

 

Ryan got up from the bed and started walking away from Brendon, hiding his face from his friend. “Because it's none of your business.”

 

 

“It is too!” Brendon got up to follow around his friend. He saw Ryan heading for the door that leads to the stairwell and ran to block the door before Ryan had the chance to open it. “Pleaseeeeeee? Like, what if I know them really well? Or what if I like them back? You never know until you tell me.”

 

 

Ryan hesitated, unsure of what to do next. “Uh, you like someone?” _Damn, it. I said the wrong thing again._

 

 

Brendon smiled slyly. “Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But you'll never know.”

 

 

Ryan’s eyes met Brendon’s for a minute before he began to search for something else to focus on besides Brendon’s beautiful eyes… And his hair… And his smile… And his teeth…

 

 

Ok, basically anything besides Brendon.

 

 

They both stood there for a moment, staring into each other’s eyes. Brendon’s sly smile turned into a more natural one and he stopped talking (for once). Brendon got closer to Ryan until their faces were mere inches away from each other… And that space was getting smaller by the second. Ryan couldn't move. He was hypnotized by the utter perfection in front of him… That kept… Getting… Closer…

 

 

_Ok, panic time._

 

 

Ryan quickly moved away from Brendon, who quickly began to laugh. Though Brendon seemed entertained, Ryan still noticed that fraction of a second of time when he thought he saw genuine hurt on his friend’s face.

 

 

“Dude, just tell me already! Unless _you're_ the person who likes me. I mean, you were so scared!” Brendon had managed to strike a nerve.

 

 

“Not even in a million years would I have a crush on you! You're not even my type,” Ryan said defensively. “And I'm still not going to tell you. I wouldn't share someone's personal secrets.”

 

 

Brendon sighed in defeat. “Fine, I'm going to the bathroom, then. Be back in a few.”

 

 

Ryan nodded a little and waited a few moments for Brendon to disappear behind the bathroom door before freaking out.

 

 

_Why did I do that? What came over me? In what universe would Brendon Urie, my best friend, ever like me in that way? God, I'm such an idiot! Why-_

 

 

Ryan’s thoughts were cut off when he heard a flush and the water from the sink. Brendon emerged from the bathroom, a concerned look on his face.

 

 

“Er, Ryan?... Why are there…a bunch of razor blades…in your bathroom?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk what chapter to do next, I mean, this was the last one I planned out. And now I'm stuck on what to write next.
> 
> PLZ, GUYS, WHICH SHIP NEEDS MORE ATTENTION??!?! WHO NEEDS TO BE IN THE SPOTLIGHT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER?!?!
> 
>  
> 
> OK, THANKS, BYE
> 
> *recedes back into emo shell*


	7. Love Never Wanted Me, But I Took It Anyway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pete heard small, muffled sobs coming from his friend as he started crying into Pete’s chest, getting his shirt slightly wet. Pete couldn’t care less about his shirt. All he was worried about was his friend. He continued to rock Patrick in his lap and hold him close.
> 
>  
> 
> Pete and Patrick are going to the concert and things go wrong...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peterick is one of my fave ships besides Septiplier and Phan, so Imma have so much fun writing this. :3

Pete walked up to Patrick's front porch and knocked on the door swiftly.

 

 

“C’mon, Trick, we gotta go,” he mumbled to himself.

 

 

In the back of his mind, Pete could just picture his best friend scurrying around his house to grab any last-minute items to take with him to the concert. Pete knew too well that Patrick doesn’t go anywhere without his bookbag stuffed with whatever he’d need for the day. It was actually pretty cool that Patrick was basically his other half (the more responsible and worried half). 

 

 

Patrick was probably the only reason Pete lived to be in high school in the first place. The moment the small boy wearing a fedora went up and talked to the lonely emo kid was the day that really changed his life. Pete wasn’t sure how much he really meant to Patrick, but at least he knew that Patrick meant the world to him.

 

 

...I mean, Pete didn’t  _ like-like _ Patrick, but he did really care for him… Like… Like a little brother.

 

 

Patrick opened the door, snapping Pete out of his kinda-sorta trance. Pat’s hair was messed up slightly and it didn’t seem like he was completely ready.

 

 

“Dude,” Patrick started, “I’m not ready yet and you’re actually early for once. I need to change first.” With one quick movement, the short teen pulled Pete into the house and darted to his room.

 

 

They’d known each other too long to not anticipate each other’s actions, and Pete followed Patrick to his room, knowing that he would need help picking out what to wear (since a sweater and jeans wouldn’t cut it at a concert, no matter how cute he’d look).

 

 

Pete closed the door behind him as he walked over to Patrick’s closet, muttering to Patrick to start taking off his clothes as he picked out something for him to wear.

 

 

If he had taken a second to glance up at his friend, he would’ve seen the small teen turn a dark shade of red before doing what he was told… But he didn’t… And he hasn’t noticed up till then, either.

 

 

Pete opened up the closet and saw before him a  _ million  _ sweaters of many patterns and colors. He wasn’t necessarily surprised, just a little irritated at this point. He dug through to the back and pulled out a plain black t-shirt and a pair of black skinny jeans.  _ Probably the only t-shirt he owns,  _ Pete thought to himself as he straightened up and turned back to Patrick, who had stripped down to his boxers and socks.

 

 

Pete threw the clothes at Patrick and turned back to the closet to find shoes, but not before sneaking a peek at his friend… I MEAN, NOTHING… HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING.

 

 

To Pete’s annoyance, Patrick had just recently thrown out his only pair of Converse due to the fact that they had gotten ripped to shreds by his neighbor’s dog. 

 

 

“You know, this weekend, I’ll take you to the mall and buy you some new clothes… and shoes. You really need new shoes,” Pete mumbled to his friend, earning a scoff from the younger.

 

 

Though Patrick no longer had any Converse shoes, Pete had to settle with a somewhat tattered pair of combat boots that he decided would look great on Patrick. He threw them over his shoulder and accidentally hit Patrick over the head with them as he was struggling to put on the skinny jeans.

 

 

Pete only turned around when he heard the small yelp from his friend.

 

 

“Oh my god, Trick! Are you okay?” Pete tried his best to sound concerned, but failed miserably when he let out a snicker.

 

 

Patrick looked up at Pete and pouted.

 

 

“Why’d you do that,” he whined, sounding a lot like a five-year-old and rubbing his head.

 

 

Pete was laughing pretty hard at this point, but still felt a twinge of guilt. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.” 

 

 

He scooched over to where Patrick was sitting and gave him a small hug. Patrick struggled a little at first, but settled down quickly. Pete knew all the ways to calm Patrick down… except for when he was having a panic attack, but he knew Tyler would always be there for those. 

 

 

They sat there for a bit in silence until Pete heard his phone’s alarm go off. He got up from where the two were sitting and then helped up his best friend.

 

 

“Well, shall we?” He motioned towards the door and Patrick nodded.

 

 

•••••

  
  


The two friends arrived quickly to the concert, as they had decided on walking since they knew how much traffic there would be even though the band wasn’t very well-known. With the premium tickets they had, they were allowed in before all the others and made their way to the very front where they would be able to see from (considering that they were pretty short and anywhere else besides the front would cause them problems).

  
  


There, they met up with Frank and Gerard. Frank was always full of energy and he was so pumped to see the band perform. Gerard, on the other hand, seemed pretty quiet (and a little pale), but Pete decided to ignore it for the moment until after the concert. Patrick also seemed kind of out of it, but Pete knew that he wasn’t really used to being around a lot of people, so he also chose to ignore it, but he still gave Patrick a reassuring hug and told him that everything would be okay.

  
  


What Pete didn’t expect to happen was see Mikey here. He hadn’t really thought about how he felt about him since the last time they were left alone and Mikey had confessed that he had a crush on Pete… And that was a year or so ago. Pete was almost entirely sure that he was over him by this point, but he was still a little uneasy about the whole situation.

  
  


_ Surely everything will be fine. _

 

 

•••••

  
  


The concert was going great. The band was amazing and everybody seemed to be having fun.

  
  


Well, except for Patrick.

  
  


Pete had noticed that his best friend was trying his very best to have fun, but he was so out of his element that he didn’t know how to. He looked more like he was going to break down in tears.

  
  


Pete knew something was definitely wrong once he saw the teen stop jumping with the crowd, a look of panic on his face. Lucky for them they were on the corner nearest to the bathroom. 

  
  


Pete took Patrick by the hand and led him into the empty bathroom. Now that the music was muffled by the door, Pete could hear how fast Patrick was breathing. Or  _ trying _ to breathe.

  
  


_ Oh, crap. _ Patrick was starting to have a panic attack. And Tyler wasn’t here to help.

  
  


Pete’s mind was racing. He couldn’t think of what he could do to help his friend. He was completely useless. All he could do at this point was try his best.

  
  


By this point, Patrick had collapsed onto the floor and curled up in a ball, his breathing still really uneven. He looked to helpless and afraid.

  
  


Pete’s protective instincts kicked in.

  
  


He rushed to Patrick’s side and wrapped his arms around him. He lifted Patrick into his lap and started rocking him back and forth as he ran his hand through his hair. Pete let Patrick’s forehead rest on his shoulder as he whispered words of reassurance in his ear.

  
  


“Shhh, don’t worry, Pattycakes. Everything’s gonna be fine. Just focus on your breathing and let your body and mind relax.”

  
  


Pete heard small, muffled sobs coming from his friend as he started crying into Pete’s chest, getting his shirt slightly wet. Pete couldn’t care less about his shirt. All he was worried about was his friend. He continued to rock Patrick in his lap and hold him close.

  
  


Soon, Patrick’s breathing evened out and he looked up at Pete, who was already looking at him. Once their eyes met, Pete smiled and Patrick blushed before looking away.

  
  


“See? I told you everything was going to be fine.”

  
  


Patrick looked back at Pete and smiled.

  
  


“Pete, we should go back out there. I bet the others are worried. Not to mention that we’re missing the concert.”

  
  


Pete hesitated, not sure if Patrick was going to be okay, but Patrick grabbed his hand and pulled him back to the rest of their friends.

  
  


The others saw the two return and smiled at them. The music had gotten louder and Patrick looked a little nervous again.

  
  


Pete leaned over to him and whispered into his ear, “I’m not going to let anything else bad happen to you. Don’t worry.”

  
  


Patrick stared at him for a second, but nodded and returned his attention to the stage.

  
  


Pete smiled to himself.  _ Nothing can go wrong, now. It can’t get any worse. _

 

  
•••••

  
  


The concert was half way through and Frank had pulled out some cans of beer from his backpack. Pete wasn’t entirely sure where they came from or how Frank got them, since none of them were of drinking age yet, but took a can anyways. Patrick refused, being the responsible teenager he is.

  
  


Thirty minutes passed and Pete has already had three cans of beer. He was drunk.

  
  


The rest of the night was a blur to him. All he could remember was dancing with Patrick… 

  
  


And then finding Mikey next to him in the crowd… 

  
  


And then kissing him…

  
  


And then Patrick disappearing into the crowd…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRYYYYYYYYY :(


	8. I Can't Help But Think I'll Die Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pete shrugged, “Not much, actually. I just remember taking care of Patrick in the bathroom and then returning to the concert and watching Patrick run out… And then I blacked out.”
> 
> Mikey’s face fell a little. So he doesn’t remember.
> 
>  
> 
> Poor Mikey wanted to confess his love for Pete, but Pete didn't remember anything from the night before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel bad for Mikey... Stuck in the middle of everything.

Mikey dropped Pete onto his bed, not really caring how careful he was with him, since he was too drunk to notice. The younger boy sat next to the passed out teen and just sighed as he let his mind drift to other, more distant memories.

  


_“P-Pete.”_

  


_“Yeah? What is it Mikes?” The older boy turned to look at Mikey with those beautiful eyes of his._

  


_Mikey avoided making eye contact, knowing that it would make confessing a lot harder. “I want to tell you something. I’ve been wanting to tell you for a while, actually.”_

  


_Pete looked confused. “You know you can tell me anything, Mikey.”_

  


_“Well, I, uh… This is just really hard to say out loud… Maybe I shouldn’t tell you…”_

  


_Pete reached over and placed his hand over Mikey’s. “Don’t worry. Take a breath and say it.” The older kid squeezed Mikey’s hand in reassurance._

  


_Mikey smiled a little. “I guess I might as well, then.” He ran his hand through his hair and took a deep breath. “I-I like you, Pete. For about two years, now.”_

  


_Pete went silent. His face kept changing expressions as he pondered what his friend had said. Then, his face softened and leaned in a bit._

  


_“I like you too, Mikey.”_

  


Mikey was brought back to reality when he heard a loud groan escape from the teen that lay beside him. His attention quickly focused on the elder, but all that Pete ended up doing was sit up for a few seconds, look around, and then pass out again, this time falling forward and off the bed.

  


Mikey couldn’t even bother to put him back on the bed. _He’d just end up falling off again, anyways._

  


What was it about Pete that made Mikey fall for him, he began to wonder. Maybe it was how safe he felt when Pete was with him. Maybe it was the way he used to hold him when he was sad or scared, or just wanted some affection. Maybe it was the way Mikey couldn’t stop smiling when he was with him. He couldn’t really decide, but what he knew was that the feelings he had for Pete back then still lingered after the two broke up.

  


_Maybe the kiss from tonight was proof that Pete still loves me, too._

  


Mikey was determined to find out. But he wasn’t just going to ask him straight-out. And, as he looked at the love of his life lying face-first on the floor, he knew he wouldn’t be able to ask him now, anyways. He would have to wait. That wouldn’t be a problem. Mikey was a patient person.

 

  
•••••

  


Mikey woke up to the sound of retching coming from his bathroom.

  


_Well, Pete’s up. And he’s not dead yet. Interesting._

  


Mikey yawned and stretched as he got up from his uncomfortable position on his bed to check on Pete. He walked to the bathroom and was greeted by a foul smell of vomit and Pete with his head in the toilet.

  


“You okay, Petey Wesside?” Mikey asked, rubbing his eyes a little.

  


Pete responded by vomiting.

  


“Yeah, okay. You’re not alright. Hold on, I’ll go grab you some aspirin.”

  


Pete vomited some more.

  


“Yeah, yeah. You’re welcome.” Mikey left the bathroom and headed for the kitchen.

  


There, he was greeted by Gerard, who was looking like he was going to faint.

  


“Gee, you don’t look to good. Do you need anything?”

  


The older Way brother shook his head. “Nah, I’m good. I just didn’t sleep too well.” His stomach growled.

 

 

“You’re hungry. Want me to make you something?”

  


Gerard’s eyes widened a bit in worry, but Mikey didn’t really notice.

  


“No, no. I’m sure I can manage on my own. Plus, I don’t want to waste your time. I know Pete’s upstairs.”

  


Mikey blushed a little. “How’d you know?”

  


Gee rolled his eyes and let out a small laugh. “Bro, I can hear him puking his guts out from here.”

  


Mikey sighed in relief a little, knowing that Gerard wasn’t thinking that anything was happening last night. Gerard walked by Mikey, whispering, “But you should go tell him you still like him, and clear up what happened last night.”

  


Mikey turned to face his brother, mortified that he found out. Gerard turned and winked at him before walking up the stairs. “Good luck, Mikes,” he called out as he headed to his room.

  


Mikey just stared into space. He couldn’t get his head around what he just heard from his brother. _HE KNEW?!?!?! WHATTTTT????_

  


He was freaking out internally when he suddenly remembered why he was down there in the first place and then grabbed the aspirin and a glass of water before darting back up to his room.

 

  
•••••

  


“Now are you feeling better?”

  


Pete took the pill and gulped down the water. “Much better,” he replied, flashing Mikey a smile.

  


“S-s-so, how much do you remember from last night?” Mikey couldn’t think of a subtle way to bring it up, so he decided he might as well check to see if Pete even remembered kissing him.

  


Pete shrugged, “Not much, actually. I just remember taking care of Patrick in the bathroom and then returning to the concert and watching Patrick run out… And then I blacked out.”

  


Mikey’s face fell a little. _So he doesn’t remember._

  


“Why, did I miss anything else,” Pete asked.

  


Mikey didn’t know how to answer. Should he just tell him, or should he leave it alone and just leave Pete to figure it out later on? He really wanted to know how Pete felt about him, but at the same time worried that he wouldn’t care about him in the way he wanted.

  


“Uh, not that I can think of. You ended up passing out on our way out, so Gee drove us to my house and I carried you into my room to sleep everything off on my bed.”

  


Pete had a puzzled look on his face. “You _carried_ me inside?”

  


Mikey nodded.

  


“And up the stairs?”

  


Mikey nodded again.

  


“And you put me on your bed?”

  


Mikey nodded again.

  


“Then why did I wake up with my face shoved into your carpet?”

  


Mikey smiled sheepishly. “Well, you kinda… FelloffthebedandIwastoolazytoputyouback.”

  


Pete took a moment to analyze what Mikey said before cracking up.

  


“Classic Mikey. That’s why we love you.”

  


Mikey blushed.

  


Pete abruptly stopped laughing. “Wait, I remember one more thing.”

  


Mikey’s heart filled with hope.

  


“I remember kissing someone…”

  


_Here it comes._

  


“Oh my god.”

  


_Does this mean he has feelings for me?_

  


“I kissed _Patrick_!!!”

  


_...well that totally was what I wanted to hear._

  


“ _That’s_ why he ran away! It’s because I kissed him!”

  


Mikey’s smile disappeared. His heart sunk down to his feet.

  


Pete turned to look at Mikey. “That’s what happened, right?”

  


Mikey sighed. “Yeah, that’s what happened.”

  


Pete got up quickly. “Oh my God, I need to go find him and apologize. I do stupid things when I’m drunk, and I can’t help but think that he’s gonna think that I like him.”

  


He grabbed his jacket off Mikey’s bed and headed down the stairs in a hurry. When he reached the door, he turned back to Mikey. “Thanks for taking care of me. I appreciate it a ton.”

  


And then Pete left. Gone.

 

  
•••••

  


_“Pete, do you love me?”_

  


_The dark-haired teen rolled over to look his boyfriend in the eyes._

  


_“Of course I do, Mikey. More than anything in the entire world.”_

  


_Mikey sighed. “But do you think that love will last?”_

  


_Pete took Mikey in his arms and held him close, resting his forehead against Mikey’s shoulder._

  


_“I do. The love I have for you will last forever and always. You’re my one and only.”_

  


_Mikey pulled away, tears pricking at his eyes._

  


_“But what if that’s just one of those things teenagers say when they’re young and reckless? What if the love you feel for me disappears when you get older? What if you meet someone else and fall in love with them? What then?”_

  


_Pete’s eyes softened, a hint of sadness in them._

  


_“Mikes, why do you think like that?”_

  


_“Because it’s the truth. There are never happy endings in real life. We aren’t part of a fairy tale.”_

  


_Mikey was crying, now. He just couldn’t stop the tears from falling and he couldn’t stop the thoughts of Pete leaving him from racing through his mind._

  


_Pete leaned in and wiped away all of Mikey’s tears._

  


_“My love, don’t worry. Don’t cry. I promise everything will be fine. I will love you ‘till the end of time. You don’t have to worry. I will never leave you.”_

  


_Mikey smiled and kissed his boyfriend gently._

  


_“Thank you.”_

  


_“For what, Mikey?”_

  


_“For loving me.”_

  


_“Forever and always. I promise.”_

 

 

•••••

  


There was a knocking on Mikey’s bedroom door.

  


“Mikey, please unlock the door and talk to me.” Gerard sounded concerned, but Mikey didn’t have the energy to reply to his brother.

  


More knocking. “Mikey… I’ll buy you pizza if you open the door.”

  


_That_ interested Mikey. He got up and walked over to the door, opening it slowly so he didn’t seem too excited. Gee was leaning against the doorway, smiling smugly.

  


“I knew that would work. It always does.”

  


Mikey shrugged, wearing his classic poker face.

  


Gerard went serious again. “Okay. Something’s wrong. Does this have to do with Pete?”

  


Mikey said nothing.

  


“I’m your older brother. He’s both of our friends, but we both know that there’s a bigger history between the two of you. Just talk to me about it, I know I can do something.”

  


The younger Way hesitated. “Well, I think pizza would help.”

  


Gee smiled and nodded.

 

  
•••••

  


“So, did you tell Pete you still like him?”

  


Mikey shoved another slice of pizza into his mouth. He shook his head, his poker face breaking into a frown. Gee wrapped his arm around his brother and pulled him in close, giving him a hug.

  


Gerard pulled away and whispered, “Don’t worry, he’ll come around eventually… But why’d he leave in the first place?”

  


Mikey stared at the ground for a moment. “He… He went to go find Patrick… because he thinks that he kissed him last night… and that’s why he thinks Patrick ran away last night.”

  


Gerard’s expression changed to a more concerned look… _Like he knows something that I don’t._

  


“What? Is there something wrong?” Mikey looked at his brother, wondering what it was exactly that Gerard knew that he didn’t.

  


“Well, I think that Patrick likes Pete too…”

  


Silence. _Oh god, he’s going to choose Patrick over me. That’s what’s’ going to happen. Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, this can’t be happening._

  


Mikey didn’t even realise what was happening until he felt Gerard pull him into a hug. He was crying. And not just crying. Sobbing.

 

  
•••••

  


_The stars glittered in the night sky. The wind blew and the grass danced in the night._

  


_“Pete?”_

  


_“Yeah, babe?”_

  


_“Do you ever wonder what would happen if you fell in love with someone else?”_

  


_“You know that would never happen, Mikey.”_

  


_“Yeah, but what if it does?  What if I never meet someone else? Would I just end up alone?”_

  


_“You’ll never be alone, Mikey. Even if I fall for someone else, you’ll always have me and the others. You’ll never be alone. We all love you.”_

  


_“I’m just so afraid… Afraid to lose you and everyone else. I mean, you could all disappear and I could be left alone.”_

  
  
_Pete gave Mikey a kiss and held him close. “Don’t worry, we will always be here for you.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk which character to write about next... Is there anyone you want to read about? Leave a comment, I love reading what you guys have to say. :3


	9. Let Me Be the One to Save You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard laughed too, but it seemed a little forced, and the smile didn’t seem to reach his eyes like it used to. It’s like there’s something on his mind.
> 
>  
> 
> Poor Frankie is trying to help poor Gee. And idk what became of this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know people wanted another Gerard chapter, but I wanted to write about other people first... sorry. :3

_ There’s something wrong with Gerard. _

 

 

There just had to be. Frank wasn’t stupid. He knew his friend better than that.

 

 

He noticed it at lunch a few days ago. Gerard had been looking pretty down. It’s not a surprise when he’s in a bad mood, but this was bad. This was an unusual kind of sad.

 

 

Frank was going to confront him.

 

•••••

 

 

“Gee?”

 

 

The older teen turned to look at Frank, smiling a little. 

 

 

They were lying on Gerard’s bed, like they always did after school since they were little. Frank enjoyed watching his best friend’s room change as the years continued. The old Star Wars wallpaper was now painted over in a dark red and the old bed in the shape of a car was destroyed and thrown out (the window, not in the trash), replaced by a black full-sized bed painted black with dark bed sheets. The old posters of superheroes were hidden away somewhere and thousands of beautiful drawings took their place on the walls. The shelf that used to be full of comics was now stocked with textbooks and art supplies (he still kept the comics, but put them in a drawer instead). The closet was now full of black shirts and pants and hoodies, different compared to when he used to wear brightly colored everything that never matched.

 

 

No matter how old they got, Frank would always remember the different phases his friend had gone through, as he tended to take many pictures to remind him.

 

 

“What is it, Frankie?” Gerard replied, the smile looking a lot more forced than before.

 

 

“Is something going on? Like, you haven’t been yourself recently. And of course I know when you’re not okay. You can’t hide it from  me.”

 

 

Gerard’s face fell, no longer hiding the faint look of pain on his face. “It’s really nothing, Frank. I’ve just been having trouble sleeping recently.” 

 

 

Frank eyed him carefully. Gerard ran a hand through his hair. He was lying.

 

 

“That’s bullshit, Gee. We both know it.” There was a new harshness to his tone.

 

 

The older friend looked a bit more panicky, like he was looking for a way to excuse himself from the conversation. Frank’s face softened and he spoke a little more calmly.

 

 

“Look, you’re my best friend. Anything that’s bothering you will bother me too until you tell me what’s wrong so I can help you get through it. You know this, Gee. I don’t want you to go through things alone. You’re too important to me, I can’t lose you.”

 

 

Frank studied his friend for a minute. The expression on his face told Frank that he was on the verge of dissolving into tears. The room went silent for a few minutes.

 

 

Frank hated seeing Gerard look to lost and helpless. 

 

 

“Hey, you wanna go get something to eat?”

 

 

Gerard looked up from the spot on the corner that he was staring a hole into.

 

 

He smiled weakly. “I’m not really hungry right now. Can we do something else?” His voice was a little shaky.

 

 

Frank nodded. “What did you have in mind?”

 

 

Gerard pondered the idea for a bit. “Well, I’ve been considering dying my hair for a while…”

 

 

Frank sat up, a grin on his face. “Then let’s go get some hair dye.”

 

 

•••••

 

 

Frank was already on his third towel. The other two were already stained red from trying to dry his friend’s hair.

 

 

“Uh, Frank, are you sure it’s okay that we’re using your towels? They look like you just killed a guy. Won’t your parents get angry?”

 

 

Frank chuckled a bit. “Shut your face, bro. It’ll be fine. You know how my parents are. They’re chill, don’t worry.”

 

 

Gerard made a face in the mirror at his friend, knowing that Frank would notice. Frank saw and replied by flipping him off.

 

 

“There. All done.” Frank took the last towel and ran a hand through his friend’s hair to make sure that it was completely dry.

 

 

“Well?” Gerard struck an obnoxious pose. “How do I look? Do I look as fabulous as I feel?”

 

 

Frank laughed. “Of course, Gee. You’re the most fabulous tomato I’ve ever seen.”

 

 

Gerard laughed too, but it seemed a little forced, and the smile didn’t seem to reach his eyes like it used to.  _ It’s like there’s something on his mind. _

 

 

The two walked into Frank’s room and they sat on his bed. 

 

 

Frank’s room was different to Gerard’s, but it still had little traces of him, since he was always at his house. The walls were a nice shade of blue and the bed was white with bright red bedding. His shelf had a few school books and some music books. In the corner was a dark green guitar and an amp. His closet was stocked with dark colors (but not necessarily all black) along with a few of Gerard’s clothes, since he slept over a lot. Beside his empty desk, there was a small bean bag couch. Above his bed, there was a few of Gerard’s drawings that he had framed and hung.

 

 

Frank turned to look at his best friend, who was attempting to comb his hair in front of his eyes so he could see the color. His tongue was sticking out slightly and he kept ruffling his hair. Frank smiled. His friend was one of the most adorable people in the entire world. There were two sides of his friend: the part of him that looks like he could kill you, but he’s actually a smol bean, and the part of him that looks like he’s a smol bean, but he’s really a smol bean.

 

 

_ Yeah, Gerard wouldn’t hurt a fly, no matter how murderous he looks. _

 

 

Frank didn’t realize he was still staring until Gee looked back at him, a weird look on his face.

 

 

“What? Is there red dye dripping down my face?” He swiped at the water droplets rolling down his face, checking to see if the drops made his hand red.

 

 

“Oh, uh…” Frank turned to stare at anything beside his friend, cheeks reddening slightly.

 

 

Gee stared at him inquisitively, but didn't say anything. They sat in silence a bit more.

 

 

Frank finally spoke. “Gerard, are you sure there’s nothing wrong?”

 

 

Gee sat up to look into his eyes. He sighed.

 

 

“...you have no idea how messed up I am inside. It’s so difficult to explain.”

 

 

Frank could see tears brimming his eyes, a look that seems to beg for help.

 

 

“Then let me help you. Please.”

 

 

The tears started to spill and his whole body began to shake as he sobbed. Frank sighed and slid closer to his friend so he could hold him closer.

 

 

The muffled sobs coming from his friend was enough to break his heart.

 

 

“I-I-I  _ can’t.  _ I’m sorry.”

 

 

Frank continued to hug Gerard, running his hands through his friend’s hair until he fell asleep.

 

 

Frank’s face softened and his heart filled with relief to see that his best friend’s face wasn’t full of pain and was instead replaced by a look of peace and innocence.

 

 

He leans in and whispers into Gerard’s hair. “You’re going to be all right. I promise I won’t let anything happen to you.”

 

 

Frank lets his back rest on the bed, leaving Gerard to sleep on his lap.

 

 

But he didn’t know that Gerard had been awake the entire time.

 

 

Or that he was one of the reasons that Gerard was torturing himself.

 

 

•••••

 

 

The gang is sitting around the usual table at school today… Well, at least some of the gang was sitting at the table today. Patrick, Pete, Tyler, Mikey, and Ryan were all missing from the table. Frank knew that they were at school, since he saw most of them during class or because he asked others if they were around today.

 

 

Since many of them were missing, there was no reason to sit on each other’s laps, but Frank still decided to sit on Ray’s lap. There was a small amount of chatter, most of it coming from Brendon, but even Brendon didn’t seem to have his heart in it. A feeling of melancholy filled the area and Frank couldn’t help but look at Gerard to see if he was okay.

 

 

Ray and Frank had been talking about something quietly, but most of Frank’s attention was focused on his best friend.

 

  
And he couldn’t help but notice that Gerard’s tray was still completely untouched, despite lunch being almost over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk, I feel like these chapters are getting shorter... Idk. :3


	10. This Was No Accident (I Did This To Myself)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "After what happened, I'd think you don't want anything to do with me." He spoke in barely a whisper, fighting the need to cry.
> 
> Brendon looked hurt. "No, NO! I would never want that! You're the most important person in my life, you always will be. I just-" He went quiet for a moment. "I just want to help you."
> 
>  
> 
> RyRo and Beebo are having some problems and Ryan refuses help... because, well, he doesn't need it. Yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not posting in a while... Stuff came up... You know, school, friends... that stuff... I also may have relapsed and I did something bad again.
> 
> Let's just say I have to hide my wrists from my family and friends for a while longer. 
> 
> I'm sorry, please forgive me.

“ _ Ryan. _ ”

  
  


His voice cut deep into Ryan’s head.

  
  


**“** _ Ryan. Look at me when I’m talking to you.” _

  
  


Ryan wanted to block everything out, but Brendon’s voice continued to ring in his ears.

  
  


It had been a day or two since the actual conversation and Ryan hadn’t seen him since. Since the argument, Ryan had been skipping the classes he had his best friend in and sat outside the cafeteria during lunch. He couldn’t face him.  _ Not after that.  _

  
  


Ryan sat on his floor as he continued to replay the fight in his head. All the harsh words, all the yelling… It was so hard to listen to.

 

  
•••••

  
  


“ _ Ryan… Tell me why you have these.”  _

  
  


_ Brendon was staring holes into Ryan as Ryan cowered on his bed. He didn’t know what to say. _

  
  


_ “Ryan. Look at me when I’m talking to you!” Brendon’s voice was raised. _

  
  


_ It took a whole lot of courage to look Brendon in the eyes, but once Ryan did, he immediately flinched at the look his friend was giving him. Brendon’s natural smile was gone, there was no hint of happiness in his eyes. This was a look Ryan had only seen one time before. The day Ryan woke up in the hospital. _

  
  


_ “Ryan. Talk to me. Why are these in your bathroom?”  _

  
  


_ Ryan’s hands were shaking. He didn’t know what to do. All he could think was that he knew he should’ve hidden them when he had the chance. _

  
  


_ Brendon ran his hands through his hair and looked at the floor for a moment before looking back at his friend. It looked like he was really trying to control his frustration, but it didn’t seem to be working, as his whole body was shaking with anger. He was breathing quickly, refusing to look away as he continued to question Ryan about the blades in his bathroom. _

  
  


_ “Please, tell me you haven’t been using these to hurt yourself… Again.” His voice broke as he continued. “There shouldn’t be any reason you would want to do this to yourself. Just….” He broke off for a second, his voice softening. “Tell me why. I promise I can help you.” _

  
  


_ Ryan just sat on his bed, knees tucked under his chin as he shook his head.  _

  
  


_ And that was when Brendon stormed out of Ryan’s house. _

 

  
•••••

  
  


There was nothing Ryan could’ve done. Brendon was probably too mad to listen to Ryan, anyway.

  
  


Ryan wished he had answered, but he didn’t have one. He truly didn’t know why he still kept them. They weren’t being used, he hadn’t touched them in so long.

  
  


The time flew by, and by the time Ryan got up from his spot on the floor, it was past 10:00 PM. His homework was left untouched, his phone buzzing with texts, and his brain buzzing with Brendon.

  
  


Ryan tried his best to focus on his homework, but, when that failed, he just turned off the light and tried to sleep.

  
  


Sleeping also was deemed a difficult task. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw his best friend’s face. He was crying, hands stained with blood as he called 911. He tossed and turned in his bed. He was now in the hospital, the smell of latex and dust stinging his nostrils. Too weak to open his eyes, he could hear the beeping of a machine that let people know if he was still alive and… and a faint sobbing. 

  
  


_ “Please don’t die. I love you.” _

  
  


Ryan’s eyes snapped open. He wasn’t going to sleep tonight.

  
  


Instead, he grabbed his phone from the nightstand. The bright light illuminated his face and Ryan sighed when he saw how many texts he had. Some were from the group chat that he was with the rest of the clique. From what he could tell, Mikey, Patrick, and Brendon had all left the chat already.

  
  


There were also some direct messages from people.

  
  


_ Patrick: You’ve been missing classes. Are you okay? _

 

_ Patrick: If there’s something wrong, plz tell me. _

 

_ Patrick: The other’s are also worried. _

 

_ Patrick: You’ve only been missing the classes with Beebo. Is there something going on between you two? _ __   
  


 

_ Frank: Yo, Ry. Where’ve you been? _

 

_ Frank: You’re never at lunch anymore. _

 

_ Frank: You better not be dead _

  
  


_ Tyler: RyRo, plz talk to us. We miss you. _

 

_ Tyler: You don’t have to tell all of us, but please talk to someone. _

 

_ Tyler: Don’t bottle it all up. I would know what that’s like _

  
  


_ Josh: Come back to the lunch table, it’s not the same. _

 

_ Josh: We miss your sassy commentary _

  
  


_ Pete: Bro, you can’t keep skipping classes. The teachers r mad. _

 

_ Pete: Even I don’t skip that often. _

  
  


Ryan went through all the messages. None were from Brendon. Not. Even. One.

  
  


Ryan didn’t reply to anybody that night.

 

  
•••••

  
  


That day, Ryan walked into History like nothing happened. This was the first time he attended that class since the fight. 

  
  


He walked in and sat down quickly, avoiding the confused glances he got from his friends as well as the teacher.

  
  


Brendon was the last person to notice that he was there. Someone had tapped him on the shoulder and whispered something in his ear. That’s when he turned around for a good thirty seconds (which felt like years for Ryan), before realising he was staring and turned back around.

  
  


It turns out he didn’t miss much in class and his teacher was nice enough to catch him up on homework. Ryan just couldn’t get the thought that everyone’s eyes were on him through the entire class.

  
  


The bell rang and Ryan was the first one out the door, not even bothering to put his books in his bag (he just grabbed them and ran).

  
  


Behind him, he could hear people calling after him, but he didn’t bother turning around, he just kept running until he made it to an empty hallway, where he finally sat down and took this chance to catch his breath.

  
  


He heard footsteps running towards the area he was hiding, so he pressed up against the wall and held his breath (there was no real purpose to that, it’s not like he was going to blend in anyway. He knew that.)

  
  


Thankfully, the footsteps went right past the hallway. Ryan did get a glimpse of who it was though: Brendon.  _ What does he want?  _ Ryan couldn’t really think of any reason to why he would want to face him.  _ He would probably just keep shouting at me. _

  
  


No, Ryan didn’t want that. Not one bit. 

  
  


He sighed, relieved that Brendon had passed by him.

  
  


Ryan got up, knowing he had to get to his next class quickly.

  
  


He stepped out of the hallway and turned in the direction of his class... And ran directly into Brendon.  _ Crap. _

  
  


"Oh, uh... Hey." Brendon spoke slowly and unsurely, as if he was afraid of saying the wrong thing.

  
  


Ryan didn't reply. He just pushed past him and continued walking. A ping of guilt ran through him, knowing he should've apologized and explained himself.

  
  


It was too late for that now. He screwed up, there was no going back.  _ I should've gotten rid of them when I had the chance.  _

  
  


"Hey, wait!" 

  
  


The sound of Brendon running towards him relieved Ryan, knowing that he could set the record straight.

  
  


It also terrified him. Fear has overcome his body and Ryan continued to walk, picking up his pace a bit.

  
  


Brendon caught up with him quickly. He moved in front of Ryan's path and held onto his shoulders. "I said wait."

  
  


Finally, Ryan spoke. "What do you want?"

  
  


"I want to talk." He sounded a little desperate.

  
  


"Why?"

  
  


"Because you're my best friend and I need you."

  
  


Ryan wanted to laugh. That wasn't true. He was a mess. Brendon didn't need him. 

  
  


"After what happened, I'd think you don't want anything to do with me." He spoke in barely a whisper, fighting the need to cry.

  
  


Brendon looked hurt. "No, NO! I would never want that! You're the most important person in my life, you always will be. I just-" He went quiet for a moment. "I just want to help you."

  
  


That was it. "I DON'T NEED HELP!!!"

  
  


The words echoed through the halls, which were empty now. Brendon was speechless.

  
  


Ryan continued to yell at his 'best friend'. "I've been doing fine for at least a few months, and I haven't even  _ looked  _ at this stupid razor blades since the incident!" That was a lie, but Brendon didn't need to know that. "Look, if I wanted your help, I would've asked you. But I don't need it."

  
  


Ryan stormed away to his class, leaving Brendon to stand in the hallway with a shocked look on his face. He didn't follow him.

 

 

•••••

  
  


Ryan slammed his bedroom door shut. He had a crummy day and just wanted to block it all out.  _ Late to every class, failed a test, so much make-up homework, and a fight with my best friend. Wonderful.  _

  
  


'Best friend'... Could Ryan even call Brendon that anymore? After acting like such an ass to him, probably not. 

  
  


Ryan held his pillow tighter and closer to his chest. He could feel the world falling apart around him. His social life, his mental state, everything. Ryan was falling apart, losing control of his life.  _ There must be at least some way to take control, but how? _

  
  


Thoughts immediately turned to the sharp pieces of metal that were now stuffed in a shoebox that was sitting at the back of his bathroom cabinet. 

  
  


Ryan rose slowly from his spot on the bed and walked slowly over to the bathroom. He picked up the box and opened the lid. The blades sparkled in the light, and Ryan watched as his fingers involuntarily reached for one.

  
  


He watched the blade hover over his wrist, and then lower slowly, placing the blade further away from the exposed flesh of his arm.  _ No, people will see. People will ask questions. _

  
  


Ryan's mind raced as he searched for  a part of his body hidden from the others.  _ Ankles, no. Shoulders, no. Thighs... Thighs. _

  
  


Nobody would think to check there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk, I just relate to poor RyRo... Minus the "people want to help and are worried" part.
> 
> I didn't tell my family. Only my best friend knows about it and he helped me through it, but now we're kind of in this weird situation where he called me broken and he found out I liked him and now we're kinda sorta not talking....
> 
> I'll figure it out.


	11. My Pain Will Range From Up, Down, and Sideways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't lie to me," Josh cringed at the anger behind Tyler's words. "You can't actually think that I really believed all those lies you told me. 'Oh, I just tripped and fell badly'. 'I fell down the stairs'. 'Someone accidentally bumped me into the locker'. Those explanations never made sense for those cuts and bruises. And don't you dare tell me that there aren't any, I've seen them on the occasions when you've pulled your sleeves up."
> 
>  
> 
> Josh had been alone on this for so long, but maybe now he doesn't have to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I haven't posted in awhile... Mostly because so much shit has happened since I last updated and I needed time to clear my head of some stuff... It didn't help, so I guess I had no excuse.
> 
> Sorry

“Joshua William Dun!!!” 

  
  


_ Uh oh, Dad’s drunk again. Maybe if I don’t answer, he won- _

  
  


“GET YOUR ASS IN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!”

  
  


_ Never mind, I’m dead. _

  
  


Josh slinked into his father’s room, pressing his bruised back against the wall in a weak attempt to stay as far away from his father as possible.

  
  


Inspecting his dad’s face, Josh could tell immediately that he wasn’t anywhere close to sober… and that he was angry,  _ really _ angry.

  
  


“Yeah,  _ dad _ ?” Josh hated using that word. ‘Dad’ should be what you call the person that actually cares about you and doesn’t lash out at you to stay sane (if you could even call him sane anymore).

  
  


His father seemed to notice the stress on the word as well, because Josh quickly found himself pressed up against the wall with his dad’s face only inches away, the smell of cheap whiskey on his breath. Josh took note of the hunting knife that peeked out of his father’s pocket.

  
  


“What’s with the attitude? Don’t you know you’re supposed to respect your father?” His words were slurred and he seemed to sway slightly. Though unstable, his father seemed more intimidating than usual, and Josh knew that he wouldn’t be as careful when intoxicated.

  
  


“Why respect someone who doesn’t even love you and is the reason that your body is covered in bruises,” Josh whispered under his breath. 

  
  


“Listen here, you little shit,” his dad grabbed him by the shirt, “You’re in  _ my  _ house under  _ my  _ rules, and you have to follow them.”

  
  


Josh was silent. He knew that any sound whatsoever would determine how badly he would get beaten.

  
  


“That means no,” Josh felt a fist come in contact with the area near his rib cage, “talking,” he felt himself get a cut across his cheek, “back.” With that final word, Josh felt rapid punches to his gut, and he fell to the floor, struggling for air and fighting back tears.

  
  


His dad stood back to admire his work, pleased at the sight in front of him. “Well, I forgot what I was going to tell you, so get the fuck out of my room.” With a swift kick to the stomach, Josh was grabbed by the neck and thrown out of the room, the door slamming behind him.

  
  


He lay in the hallway for a bit, in too much pain to even move, before he heard the front door open. Josh quickly got up and limped quickly to his room.  _ Mom can’t see me like this. If she finds out, I’ll be dead for sure. _

  
  


Locking the door behind him, the teen made his way to his mirror to check out the damage. Nothing besides the cut was visible, and it was still too fresh to cover it up for school the next day.  _ Tomorrow’s gonna be a long day. _

  
  


With that, he shut off all the lights and flopped onto his bed to let sleep overcome him and swift him away to a better place.

 

  
•••••

  
  


“Jish, what happened to your beautiful face?”

  
  


Tyler was seated in Josh’s lap, staring at him with wide eyes. Josh felt Tyler gently grab his face and inspect the cut, which was now slightly swollen and turning a purple color on the edges.

  
  


_ Crap, he still doesn’t know… But, with what’s already going on in his life, he doesn’t need more things to worry about. _

  
  


“Oh, this?” Josh tried to stall as long as he could in order to come up with a believable story. “Well, uh…”  _ Think, Josh, think… Oh, I got it!  _ “I snuck out my bedroom window to buy a Redbull at the corner store and as I was climbing back in, I cut myself on the tree outside my room.”

  
  


Tyler gave him a strange look, but quickly brushed it off and began to place little kisses around the cut. Josh cringed slightly as his boyfriend leaned in and brushed against the newly formed bruises, but managed to restrain from making any faces or sounds of discomfort. The few people in their friend group that continued to show up for lunch were giving him a few strange looks, but quickly continued to chat about everything and nothing.

  
  


Patrick, who had showed up for the first time in a while, made eye contact with Josh for a split second, and Josh could tell from his face that Patrick wasn’t falling for the story. Patrick was the only one who knew about his father, and Josh knew that he could trust that he wouldn’t say anything about it, but he couldn’t help but feel that he needed to tell Tyler as well.

 

  
•••••

  
  


The two boyfriends were sitting on the couch in Tyler’s basement, Tyler sitting up straight, Josh lying across the couch wit his head in Tyler’s lap. TyJo’s eyes were glued to the screen, his hands absent-mindedly running through the red hair of the boy that lay across his lap. 

  
  


Josh couldn’t help but stare at the face above his,  _ such a beautiful human.  _ The smaller boy’s eyes crinkled as he smiled at whatever was going on on the television and the tiny smile that formed on his lips made Josh’s heart skip a beat.  _ I’m so lucky to have him. _

  
  


Tyler glanced down at Josh and noticed his boyfriend staring at him, his face lighting up even more.

  
  


“What? What’re you staring at?”

  
  


Josh reached out a hand to caress the latter’s face lovingly. “Nothing, just enjoying the view.” With that, he pulled Tyler in for a kiss.

  
  


The kiss was cut short by Tyler’s soft words. “Can you please tell me what really happened to your cheek?”

  
  


This caught Josh by surprise.  _ How did he know? Did someone tell him? Did he know from the beginning that he was lying? _

  
  


“Uh....” He didn’t know what to say. “W-what?”

  
  


"I understand if you didn't want to talk about it in front of everyone, but we're supposed to tell each other everything. Tell me, please."

  
  


Josh wasn't sure what to say. He wasn't particularly surprised that Tyler saw through the lie, but he was surprised that he was actually asking.

  
  


"I-I don't know what you're talking about." 

  
  


Tyler pulled away completely. 

  
  


"Don't lie to me," Josh cringed at the anger behind Tyler's words. "You can't actually think that I really believed all those lies you told me. ' _ Oh, I just tripped and fell badly'. 'I fell down the stairs'. 'Someone accidentally bumped me into the locker'.  _ Those explanations never made sense for those cuts and bruises. And don't you  _ dare  _ tell me that there aren't any, I've seen them on the occasions when you've pulled your sleeves up."

  
  


Josh couldn't breathe. The pressure to tell the truth was strong, and he knew it was right, but he didn't know what would happen if he actually told his boyfriend what was going on at home... Why he slept over so often... Why he was afraid to go home.

  
  


Tyler could see the panic in his eyes and knew he had to push him one final time before he could fix things.

  
  


"Take off your shirt."

  
  


Josh looked up. "W-what?"

  
  


" _ Take. Off. Your. Shirt. _ "

  
  


Unsure of what would happen if he didn't, Josh complied and slowly unbuttoned the flannel he was wearing. A full-body mirror was stood up against the wall opposite of him and, for the first time, he truly saw what his father had done. 

  
  


His entire chest and stomach were covered in black and blue bruises, along with the few red ones that he knew were going to darken soon. Josh could easily pinpoint the areas where his father pulled his pocketknife to. Carefully tracing the deep scars, he cringed as it stung when he touched them. 

  
  


Josh couldn't bare to look at himself any longer. He turned away and fell to his knees, fingers desperately running through his hair as if they were searching for a way into his brain so he could erase what he just witnessed. Breathing got harder and harder until he began to notice the tears streaming down his cheeks. He was crying. And not just crying.

  
  


He was sobbing.

  
  


A pair of warm arms quickly wrapped around him and he could clearly hear his boyfriend as he whispered in his ear. “I’m so, so sorry, Jish. I didn’t know how bad it was. I didn’t mean to scare you so much. I just wanted to help. I’m so sorry, Jishwa. Please forgive me.”

  
  


The use of his nickname seemed to calm the red-haired boy quickly, and his heaving sobs quickly turned into quiet sniffles. He looked up to Tyler, who was still tightly wrapped around him, and smiled weakly.

  
  


“It’s ok, TyJo. I forgive you.”

  
  


The smaller boy loosened his grip and smiled back.

  
  


“You’re beautiful, you know that?”

  
  


Josh looked down at the floor slightly, avoiding his boyfriend’s gaze. “No, I’m not. Just look at me. These scars are ugly, therefore I am.”

  
  


Tyler gently sat in Josh’s lap to look closely at the bruises and scars. Josh sat completely still, a voice in the back of his mind telling him that he needed to be ready to rely only on himself again, for Tyler was seconds away from leaving him for good. To his surprise, he felt the smaller boy’s lips gently make contact with his chest. Tyler continued to kiss each and every part of his torso and back until he made his way back up to Josh’s face. There, he first kissed the cut on his cheek before finally letting the two boys’ lips meet.

  
  


Tyler smiled, “The scars don’t make you who you are. You determine who you are. Though you may not love yourself now, I will help you.”

  
  


The conversation was interrupted by a text from Josh’s dad ordering him home. Tyler quickly slid the phone out of Josh’s hand, turned it off, and threw it onto the couch where it was out of sight.

  
  


He leaned in and kissed Josh again.

  
  


Resting their foreheads against each other’s, Tyler whispered, “I will make you believe you are lovely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff is a lot of fun to write, but angst moves the plot along, so it's always a mix of both. let me know who you guys want me to write about next! <3


	12. I Try to Picture Me Without You but I Can’t

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If you say so. I guess I will.”
> 
> Tyler’s face lit up. “Wait, really? Yes-”
> 
> “-but only if the universe gives me a sign.”
> 
> Tyler’s mood changed abruptly. “But you don’t believe in ‘signs from the universe’.”
> 
> Patrick smiled slightly. “Yup. Loophole.”
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Sorry I changed the title. it fits better tho

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sowwy I didn't update in awhile. i've been dealing with some writer's block. Hope you guys enjoy the new chapter.

Patrick has been avoiding much of the lunch group for about a week now. He couldn’t avoid them entirely because a couple of them have classes with him. He saw Ryan a couple times during his study hall, but he really kept to himself. Patrick noted that Ryan had been wearing skinny jeans… Even on the hotter days. Gerard would sit with him once in awhile during lunch, but they didn’t talk all that much. Gee spend most of that time watching Patrick eat, not really touching his own food, and fiddling with his bright red hair. 

  
  


Pete wasn’t around much anymore. Patrick would see him in a couple classes and in the halls, but he wouldn’t talk to him or wait for him when Pete would call after him. Any time that Patrick would even think of texting him, the moment of his crush kissing his ex flashed before his eyes and he would immediately shut off his phone.

  
  


_ A week. _ “Do you even know how hard it is to avoid your best friend for that long?”

  
  


Tyler shrugged, “No, I guess I don’t. Josh is my best friend and we’re inseparable. I mean, except for when you ask me to come over to talk. Then I’ll leave him at my house where he’s safe.”

  
  


Patrick raised his eyebrow.

  
  


“I mean, you know how badly I want to protect him from his dad.”

  
  


Patrick nodded. Of course he knew. Patrick knows everything. Just like Tyler. Their friends loved calling them the Keepers of Secrets. Of course, Patrick has been pretty out of the loop since he’s been avoiding the crew, but Tyler has been nice enough to give updates. Tyler has been keeping  Josh at his house for all the days that his dad is home, which isn’t that often anymore.

  
  


“Have you tried talking to him? He must know that something’s up,” Tyler asked.

  
  


Patrick sighed. “No, I’m not sure I’d be able to look him in the eyes.”

  
  


“But it was just a kiss.  _ And  _ he was drunk. Give him some credit. He didn’t mean to do it... Probably.”

  
  


“But what if he did?” Patrick looked up at Tyler, eyes welling up.

  
  


“You said he comforted you during one of your attacks, right? Not anybody could do that. He knows you, Patrick. He cares about you.”

  
  


“But not in the way I care about him, right?” He wiped away a couple tears.

  
  


Tyler wrapped an arm around his small but older friend. “I’m not actually sure. There’s a pretty good chance he likes you back, you know.”

  
  


“There’s no way he’d like someone as messed up as me.”

  
  


“Are you kidding, man? Think really hard about our friends. Do you  _ really  _ think you’re messed up compared to all of us? I literally hear a voice in my head.”

  
  


“Blurryface? You mean he’s back?” Patrick sat up a bit more.

  
  


Tyler shrunk back. “Did I not mention that? Oh, whoops. I’m just gonna leave….”

  
  


Tyler moved to stand up, but Patrick pulled him back down. “Oh no you don’t. Tell me about it. I remember why you gave him up all those years ago. Is he doing it again?”

  
  


The younger friend looked down at his hands, nodding slightly.

  
  


When the two boys started sharing secrets, one of the first things Tyler told Patrick was about this imaginary friend he had as a kid. Blurryface was originally someone Tyler thought would play with him, but he turned into this sort of beast who took over his mind and started telling him all these horrible things. Eventually, Tyler gained control over Him and managed to stuff him deep into the back of his mind where he would remain forever…  _ Well, until now, I guess. _

  
  


“Did you tell Josh about what happened?”

  
  


Tyler shook his head a little. “He knows about what’s going on now, but I never told him about what happened all those years ago. But he’s trying his best to help me out, and I love him for it.”

  
  


The two boys went quiet for a bit. They knew better than to keep talking about it. It would just encourage Him.

  
  


“I still think you should talk to Pete about this,” Tyler said, breaking the silence.

  
  


“Hmm... “ Patrick thought about it again.  _ Tyler does usually know what’s best for me. Though he can’t take care of himself very well, he’s damn good at helping out other people.  _ “If you say so. I guess I will.”

  
  


Tyler’s face lit up. “Wait, really? Yes-”

  
  


“-but only if the universe gives me a sign.”

  
  


Tyler’s mood changed abruptly. “But you don’t believe in ‘signs from the universe’.”

  
  


Patrick smiled slightly. “Yup. Loophole.”

  
  


The younger boy chuckled. “Alright, whatever you say. Bu-”

  
  


The sound of the doorbell interrupted Tyler.

  
  


“Aw man, my parents aren’t home. I hate talking to people.”

  
  


Tyler feigned hurt. “You mean you don’t like talking to  _ ME _ ?”

  
  


Patrick stuck his tongue out. “Of course not. I hate you.” The two boys laugh as they get up to answer the door.

 

  
•••••

  
  


The doorbell kept going off, which irritated the two boys who were home by themselves.  _ Ugh, talking to people _ . Purposefully, they walked as slowly as possible to the door, just in case the person or people at the door would leave.  _...Nope, guess not. _ Instead of the usual 30 seconds it takes to get from Patrick’s door to the front door, it took 5 whole minutes. When they finally made it, Patrick opened the door to tell whoever was going to try to sell them something that he didn’t want anything. Instead of some short, annoying Girl Scout, it was…  _ Pete? _

  
  


“Um, hi,” he muttered, noticing Tyler standing behind Patrick.

  
  


Patrick turned to look at Tyler, who had his “ooh, this is going to be interesting” face on.  _ Well, shit. So much for that sign from the universe. _

  
  


“What do you want, Pete,” Patrick asked, somewhat pissed that he even had the nerve to show up at his doorstep.

  
  


“I, uh, wanted to talk?” He said it as if he was asking a question. As if he knew that he needed to ask Patrick if he was okay with that.

  
  


Before Patrick could answer, Tyler chimed in from behind Patrick. “Come in, Pete. I was just about to leave.” He tugged on his shoes and waved to Patrick as he left.

  
  


That left Pete and Patrick standing in silence, Pete still outside, and Patrick glaring at him.

  
  


“So… Can we please talk?”

  
  


Patrick fought the urge to punch the teen standing in front of him. He knew that he needed his best friend. What would he even do without him?

  
  


He let out an exasperated sigh. “Fine. Come in.”

 

  
•••••

  
  


The two friends were seated in Patrick’s bedroom. Since Pete stepped into the house, Patrick hadn’t made eye contact with him. Neither had the guts to speak first. Patrick spent this time to look anywhere else but the boy sitting on his bed.

  
  


Patrick’s room was relatively small, but roomy at the same time. The floor remained clear in the middle, making it seem more open than it really was. The whole room was painted a calm grey. The wall opposite to his bed had a handful of instruments on stands and hung on the wall. To his right, a desk was pushed against the wall next to the window. The window itself had a nice place to sit, so Patrick made sure it was always accessible for *cough* climbing purposes. On the left side next to the door, there was a small closet that kept all his clothes, shoes, and anything he wanted to hide from his sight. The whole feel to the room reminded him of-

  
  


“Patrick, are you even going to look at me?”

  
  


Patrick was pulled from his trance. He kept his eyes on the poster above his desk as he replied.

  
  


“No, I would rather not.” His voice was quiet but it got the message across.

  
  


“Please, I just came to talk to you. The least you could do is face me.”

  
  


Patrick wanted to resist. He wanted to resist the hurt he heard in his friend’s voice. He wanted to resist his heart telling him to forgive Pete. He couldn’t. Patrick turned his head slowly to look at Pete. It was only then that he realised how much he didn’t notice before.

  
  


Pete was dressed like he usually did, t-shirt, ripped skinny jeans, and nice jacket, but his face revealed how hard he was actually taking this silent treatment. There were bags under his eyes that were even visible through the heavy eyeliner. His hair was messy and though he was wearing a relatively baggy shirt, it was clear that he wasn’t eating all that much. Patrick could feel his heart shattering.

  
  


“Patrick, I wanted to say I’m sor-”

  
  


“I’m so sorry, Pete,” Patrick interrupted, throwing himself into the arms of his friend.

  
  


“What-” Pete was taken off guard.

  
  


“It’s all my fault. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” Patrick’s voice was muffled, as his face was buried into Pete’s chest.

  
  


There was a hint of hesitation from Pete, and Patrick could feel it, which made him feel worse. Eventually, though, Pete’s arms wrapped around Patrick and he started to comfort him.

  
  


“I forgive you Patrick, but I don’t know why you’re apologizing. It was my fault. I shouldn’t’ve done what I did.” Pete’s hug grew tighter as he spoke.

  
  


“It wasn’t your fault. You were drunk, you didn’t know better.”

  
  


The two boys relaxed slightly, and Patrick pulled away. Both of them had smiles on their faces.

  
  


“I missed talking to you,” Pete sighed, leaning back on his elbows.

  
  


“Me too.” 

 

  
•••••

  
  


Pete and Patrick were sitting on the roof,  _ just like old times.  _ They were making jokes and catching up on the recent news around the school.

  
  


“And to think, you thought Tyler liked  _ Brendon _ .”

  
  


“Hey,” Pete shrugged, “it’s not my fault that Brendon is a beautiful man.”

  
  


Patrick laughed. “You mean you think he has a big dick.”

  
  


“I’ll have you know that I have seen his dick and let me tell you,” Pete leans in and whispers, “it’s not a bad dick.”

  
  


They both burst into laughter.

  
  


The sun was setting, and there was a slight breeze. Patrick shivered.

  
  


“You cold, man?”

  
  


Patrick nodded, “Just a bit. I think I’ll go inside and grab a jacket.”

  
  


Pete yanked Patrick back down. “Nonsense. Here, take my jacket.”

  
  


Pete tugged off his leather jacket and handed it to Patrick, who, though he opposed thoroughly, reluctantly put it on.

  
  


“Dude, you look  _ good _ in a leather jacket. You should get one for yourself.”

  
  


Patrick blushed slightly, but it was dark enough that Pete didn’t notice. “Really?”

  
  


“Totally. They definitely suit you.”

 

“I dunno. I don’t think I’d pull it off very well. It’s all about confidence. And speaking of buying clothes, I still promised to take you shopping.”

  
  


Patrick rolled his eyes. “Yeah right. I’m not going shopping with you.”

  
  


“Oh yes you are. We’ll go after school tomorrow. I’ll drive. And you’re not allowed to pick out anything. I’m doing that for you.”

  
  


Patrick let’s out a sigh. “Fine, but  _ I’m  _ driving. Do you really think I trust you at the wheel?”

  
  


Pete chuckled. “Fair enough.”

  
  


They turned their attention back to the sunset, Pete wrapping an arm around Patrick to keep him warm. He didn’t notice Patrick’s face turn vermillion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Name the song the lyric came from and you'll become my new best friend.


	13. Then He Fell In Love, and He Didn’t Know How, But He Couldn’t Get Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He rolled over onto his stomach and reached for his cell phone, clicking the screen on lazily. A few texts from Pete, a couple from Frank, but none from Ryan. The smallest bit of hope that he had left fizzled out like a candle that had been burning for hours and was on its last bit of wick. Or maybe Ryan was a small breeze that blew it out effortlessly. Definitely one of the two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt bad for not updating in awhile, but it's been a long 2 weeks. My best friend up and told me she doesn't want to be friends anymore, I dressed up as Fun Ghoul for Halloween and nobody knew who I was, I stayed in that night to cram for a Bio test I didn't do so well on, and then there was the FOB concert I got to go to the Friday before. It drained me emotionally to see the loves of my life of 10 years for the first time in person. I actually brushed Pete's hand at the end of the night. I don't think you guys understand how important that was for me...

_ I don’t need help. _ Those were the words that stuck with Brendon for days. It echoed through his mind every time he saw his best friend in the hallway.  _ Well, ex-best friend, I guess.  _ He didn’t know what to do. Ryan hadn’t spoken to him since that day in the hallway. He’s been purposefully sitting in the front of the room instead of the back where they used to joke around and mess with the teacher. Brendon could never find him during lunch. There was only one thing left to do, and that was to confront him at home… But the Ross’ home scared him shitless. Especially if he wasn’t welcome there.

  
  


Brendon sprawled out on his bed, taking up as much space as physically possible. He was trying to see if being flamboyant at home would help convince his true self to become more outgoing as well. So far, it wasn’t working. If anything, it was making it worse.

  
  


He rolled over onto his stomach and reached for his cell phone, clicking the screen on lazily. A few texts from Pete, a couple from Frank, but none from Ryan. The smallest bit of hope that he had left fizzled out like a candle that had been burning for hours and was on its last bit of wick. Or maybe Ryan was a small breeze that blew it out effortlessly.  _ Definitely one of the two. _

  
  


But Ryan wasn’t the wind. If anything, he’s the moon.  _ Yeah, he’s the moon and I’m the sun. Complete opposites, and yet we fit together like puzzle pieces. Now, if only the sun and the moon could be in the same place at once… _

  
  


Brendon didn’t realize, but he was talking out loud. “Hey moon, please forget to fall down…”

  
  


The more he thought about Ryan, the warmer he feels. His heart started to beat faster the more he pictured his face. The repressed feelings that he ignored for years resurfaced for the first time since the Incident. “The sun’s in love with the moon… Yeah, that makes sense.”

  
  


Brendon sat up abruptly.  _ Maybe I should just tell him. Maybe then he’ll open up to me…  _

  
  


The teen started drifting off to sleep after no time. 

 

  
•••••

  
  


_ Brendon drew nearer to the woman who was sprawled across the floor. There were no visible injuries on her, but she was shaking so much that she was unable to get up. It was clear that she was praying for her life, but Brendon couldn’t tell who she was afraid of. It was only her and him in the room together. He rushed to her side to see if he could help her, but she hit him square in the jaw, screaming, “STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!” Brendon raised his hands up, as if to surrender, but right before his eyes, he saw her life drain from her eyes. She lay limp laying on her side facing away from him, and Brendon started to panic. He began to shake her, but there was no response. He turned her so she was laying on her back and he recoiled in horror. _

  
  


_ She was covered in bruises. Her clothes were torn. A large cut across her neck was bleeding profusely. _

  
  


_ Brendon got up, defeated. He couldn’t save her. Instead, he chose to investigate the room. It was nighttime and all the lights were out, but from what he could tell, the room looked nearly the same as his living room… No, it  _ was _ his living room. _

  
  


_ The bookcase was knocked over, the hand-painted vase that used to sit on the top shelf was shattered. The coffee table that was once located in the middle of the rug was now splintered. The sofa that Brendon thought his parents took with them when they left was splattered with blood. _

  
  


_ There was a mirror hung up across from him, but he couldn’t see his reflection clearly. He walked carefully towards the mirror, looking tentatively behind him to make sure he wouldn’t be killed next. What he saw next scared him to tears. _

  
  


_ It was him. He was covered in blood. And he was holding a knife. _

 

  
•••••

  
  


Brendon woke up with a start. He was drenched in sweat. His heart was beating a mile a minute and his breathing was uneven.  _ It was just a dream, it was just a dream, it was just a dream, it was just a… _

  
  


His own reassurance wasn’t enough. He knew who he really needed.

 

  
•••••

  
  


The cool breeze messed up his hair as he sped through the street on his bike. He didn’t own a car, since he could barely afford to pay rent for the crappy apartment he didn’t even want. He just kept it to make sure he was still there when his parents got back. And there was no way he was going to an orphanage. Because he wasn’t an orphan.

  
  


He pulled up to Ryan’s house. It was pitch black, but he’d memorized exactly where his best friend’s house was. The lights were out in the house, so he ran around to the back yard so he could see Ryan’s bedroom window. He grabbed a handful of pebbles and started chucking them at the other boy’s window.  _ Please open the window. _

  
  


To his satisfaction, he saw a light turn on in the room and then a shadow reached for the curtain. Ryan’s face came into view as he struggled to open the window.

  
  


“Brendon?” he half-whispered.

  
  


“Uh, hi.” Now that he was standing there, he didn’t know what to say.

  
  


“Why’re you here?” Brendon sensed the hint of antagonism in his voice, but he tried to ignore it.

  
  


“I had a bad dream, and…” He looked down at the ground, running his fingers through his wind-blown hair. “And I didn’t want to be alone.”

  
  


Silence. Brendon looked up hopefully at his childhood friend. He could see the hesitation in his eyes, but-

  
  


“Fine, but you have to climb up here. My parents will find out if I let you in through the door.”

  
  


Brendon half-smiled to himself.  _ Thank god for our history.  _ He knew that if it wasn’t for everything they knew about each other, Ryan wouldn’t have let him up.

 

  
 •••••

  
  


“So, what’re you doing here?”

  
  


Brendon looked up from the spot on the floor to his ex-best friend. “I had a bad dream.”

  
  


“And you thought you could just come here?”

  
  


Brendon hesitated. He broke eye contact before speaking again. “I don’t know. I guess.”

  
  


Ryan sighed. “Why didn’t you tell your parents?”

  
  


He took in a sharp breath.  _ Shit, he doesn’t know.  _ “They’re… not home.”

  
  


“What do you mean?” Ryan raised an eyebrow. 

  
  


“I mean… They just-”  _ Think, Brendon, think.  _ “They got in a fight and I don’t want to bother them.”

  
  


“And you thought I’d be better company?”

  
  


“Well, yeah. I kinda forgot what we were in a fight.” He looks up again at the teen sat in front of him. “And I just wanted to say that I’m sorry again. I just didn’t want to lose you. When I saw the blades on the counter, I just-” An image of Ryan lying in a pool of blood flashed in his mind and his words were suddenly interrupted by a sob.

  
  


Ryan’s eyes softened significantly. “It’s okay, Beebo. I know you were just trying to help. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. To be honest, I’ve really missed you.”

  
  


Brendon wiped away a couple tears, took in a shaky breath, and asked, “Can I sleep here tonight?”

  
  


Silence.

  
  


“Sure.” 

 

  
•••••

  
  


Brendon couldn’t sleep. He opened his eyes slowly to check on his friend. Ryan lay about two inches away from his face, his eyes closed. His mouth was opened slightly, so Brendon could feel his breath on his face as he slept. Brendon smiled as his eyes scanned the handsome face. He looked to peaceful, so reassuring, so  _ beautiful _ . He could feel something warm rush through his whole body. There was this new feeling that made his heart feel heavier.

  
  


Ryan rolled over in his sleep, resulting in the two boys being even closer. So close that Brendon could feel Ryan’s warmth. Brendon was too scared to move in risk of waking the sleeping teen. He would hate to disrupt the peace. Instead, he closed his eyes and rest his forehead on Ryan’s shoulder. Eventually, he too drifted off to sleep.

  
  


There was no bad dream for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started writing this chapter because I was feeling like crap, but once I felt better, I couldn't continue it... Either way, I wanted some resolution for the time being, so...


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the background of this little reunion, Gerard just continued to stand there, abandoned by his best friend, left with a strange feeling in his stomach, as if something crawled in through his mouth and is forever weighing him down on the inside.
> 
>  
> 
> He didn’t say anything. He just went home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it's pretty shitty writing. Started it awhile ago and never got around to finishing it, but here's basically all I could think of.

Gerard’s stomach rumbled. He looked up from his desk, panicked that someone heard him. Across the room, Frank was staring at him, a faint smile on his lips. When Gerard made eye contact with the other teen, both of them blushed slightly and turned back to their work.

 

While he worked on a countless amount of calculus problems, he couldn’t help but smile to himself.  _ He was looking at me. This must mean something, right? Is he noticing my body?  _ Gerard frowned at that thought.  _ No, of course not. I mean, look at me. I’m fat. Nobody would notice me in that way. _

 

Gerard snuck another peek at his best friend sitting across the room. To his surprise, Frank was still looking at him. He turned back to his math, this time really focusing on what was in front of him. For the rest of class, Gerard felt butterflies in his stomach. Or maybe it was hunger.

 

  
•••••

  
  


“Dude, I could hear your stomach growling from all the way on the other side of the classroom. You must be starving.” Frank wrapped an arm around his friend… Or, at least, tried to wrap an arm around him. “Come on, let’s go to the cafeteria. It’s lunchtime anyways.”

 

Gerard hesitated, but then shot his friend a somewhat forced smile. “Yeah, lets.”

 

As they walked through the hallway, a couple older boys bumped into Gerard.

 

One of the boys, with lip rings and a pretty Justin Bieber-esque haircut, turned his head and yelled, “Watch it, fatty!”

 

Frank’s jaw tightened. “Eat shit, Bob!” Bob and the other boys laughed.

 

“If you want to challenge me, shorty, then it’s your funeral!”

 

The shorter teen’s face turned red. He turned to Gerard. “Don’t listen to them, Gee. You’re not fat. You’re, like, SO far from it. They’re just trying to get a reaction out of you.”

 

Gerard smiled weakly. “It’s fine. I know they’re right, anyways.”

 

With that statement, Frank stopped walking. He tugged on Gerard so he’d stop too.

 

“Gee, you’re not serious, are you? Do you really think you’re… Fat?”

 

Gerard’s silence was all Frank needed. “Well, let me tell you. You’re not. You wanna know who’s fat? My Italian teacher. She has to walk sideways to get through the door.”

 

Gerard laughed. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. But I’m not skinny, either. And I hate that.”

 

Frank’s smile disappeared. He quickly pulled his friend into a tight hug. “You don’t have to change,” he said, his head buried into Gerard’s chest. “You’re perfect just the way you are, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

 

A wave of warmth went through Gerard’s body. His heart started beating faster. With Frank’s body pressed up against him, he felt… Something. Love? Maybe. He slowly wrapped his arms around Frank. In the full embrace, Gerard felt something he wanted to ignore but couldn’t. Frank tensed up. Gerard’s heart dropped, as well as his arms. He pulled away from his friend, pausing for a moment to give him a plastered half-smile, and continued to walk to the cafeteria in silence.

 

  
•••••

  
  


“And can you believe that Vic Fuentes actually mooned the principal when he left our classroom?”

 

The whole table was laughing. Gerard wouldn’t admit it, but it was pretty great to see most of the gang back together, save for Mikey, who continued to avoid the table (he and Gerard had a lengthy talk about Pete, and Mikey decided that he still felt like sitting with some of his other classmates). The boys seemed back to their old selves. Well, at least it seemed like that. Gerard couldn’t help but notice that Ryan was avoiding looking at Brendon at all costs, even though Brendon was being his normal crazy-story self. And Pete and Patrick wouldn’t stop staring at each other from across the table. And Frank was sitting by himsel-  _ Wait, why’s Frank by himself? Where’s Ray? _

 

Gerard looked around the table quickly. Ray was nowhere to be seen. Gerard gripped his lunch tray a little too hard. Slowly, he got up and seated himself by his best friend.

 

“Where’s Ray,” he whispered, his eyes still on Brendon’s animated hand gestures.

 

He felt Frank shrug his shoulders. “We kinda got into this fight.”

 

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Gerard couldn’t help but feel something tighten in his chest. “What’d you fight about?”

 

“I… I don’t think you want to know.”

 

Gerard turned his head slightly so he could see Frank in his peripheral vision. His best friend’s face was contorted into this half-frown. It seemed like he was staring at Gerard’s untouched lunch.

 

“Oh, okay. I won’t push it, then.”

 

As the two sat in silence listening to the energetic teen in front of them telling some story about this “bad-ass girl in my Chem class named Hayley Williams” who set off firecrackers in test tubes and got suspended, Gerard felt himself wrap an arm slowly around the younger friend and pull him closer to his side. Frank, though caught off-guard, relaxed under his arm and rested his head on Gee’s shoulder. Gerard couldn’t help but smile.

 

  
•••••

  
  


“You know what,” Frank started as the two boys walked up Frank’s driveway, “I think we should try out that new frozen yogurt place down the street. They have your favorite, Gee. Chocolate fudge.”

 

Gerard’s heart began to pound faster.  _ Oh god, oh god, what do I do? I don’t want to eat it, but Frank’s asking me on a date… Ugh, screw it I guess it can’t hurt to- _

 

“Ray?”

 

Gerard was pulled out of his thoughts as the two friends came face-to-face with the curly-fro’d teen.

 

“Hey, Frank.” He glanced at Gerard, giving him a judge-y look. “Oh, hey, Gerard.”

 

“Ray,” Frank stepped closer to his boyfriend. “What are you doing here?”

 

Ray looked down at his feet, twiddling his thumbs. “I wanted to apologize for getting angry at you. It wasn’t justified what I…” He looked up at Gerard. “What I thought.”

 

Frank was stiff next to Gerard. “Yeah, you’re right. I have a right to think what I do, and I hope you know that forbidding me from doing something about it is something I won’t tolerate.” 

 

Ray nodded. “I understand. I just hope it never comes between us ever again.”

 

Frank’s face softened. He stepped toward Ray and enveloped him in a hug. “I’ve missed you,” he says into his boyfriend’s chest.

 

In the background of this little reunion, Gerard just continued to stand there, abandoned by his best friend, left with a strange feeling in his stomach, as if something crawled in through his mouth and is forever weighing him down on the inside.

 

He didn’t say anything. He just went home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My school counselor is hovering over my shoulder everywhere I go and it's kinda weird that she's so worried about me when on the outside I seem completely fine. Also, comment who you want to read about next. Sorry for the wait again.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, yeah, this is shit, I know. I just love how adorable Patrick is without trying, and I felt that if he had panic attacks that it would make him even more adorable.... But whatever.  
> Sorry if you didn't enjoy it.  
> Comment below if you want someone else's perspective... I was planning on writing a chapter from Josh's perspective... And one from Gerard's perspective... Idk. :3


End file.
